Attention students: The true winner of the campus elections is being kept from you.

Despite the repeated inquiries by my aides, A.S. refuses to say how many votes I received. They say I didn’t pay a fee, they say I’m “not a real person.”

I am more than “real.” I am the Weatherhuman, and I address you as your President in Exile.

As President in Exile, I urge all freedom-loving UCSB students to pay no attention to the sham government that has been “elected.” I urge you to do this because I know you will do so anyway, but also because you deserve truth and beauty, which are scarce in student government – especially the latter.

Additionally, I urge public nudity on a massive, non-faculty scale.

Tuesday’s forecast: Hey, it’s getting warm out.