Take Out the Drunkard

Thursday, April 17, at 10:19 p.m.: Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers contacted a man reported to be disrupting Take Back the Night activities in Anisq’ Oyo’ Park by calling participants lesbians. Boisterous Bob was apparently not a supporter of homosexuality, nor of standing up straight without dragging his knuckles on the ground and swaying back and forth within a six-foot radius. Officers asked the man if he had been drinking-which he initially confirmed, then denied. Finally he admitted he was drinking himself to sleep because he was suffering from insomnia.

Bob was arrested for public intoxication, but en route to the IVFP station, he fell to his knees and refused to continue walking. Suspecting Bob was not kneeling in praise of a particular religious deity or the presence of the IVFP deputies who came to deliver him a sobriety test rather than salvation, officers proceeded to carry him into the station.

Once inside the interview room, Bob decided it would be a good idea to threaten the lives of the officers and their children by hanging them as soon as he was released from custody. Apparently, Bob did not mind having his verbal threats recorded on a microcassette tape and booked into evidence.

No blotter entry would be complete without nudity; Boisterous Bob proceeded to lie on the floor, pull down his pants and vomit. When asked his address, Bob replied, “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on,” which could not be located on department maps.

Where’s Waldo?

Saturday, April 19, at 1:22 a.m.: Two Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers on the 6600 block of Trigo Road observed Waldo, a directionally challenged 21-year-old male displaying an unsteady gait and watery eyes. Clearly, Waldo had been throwing back a few frosty ones instead of looking for those missing scrolls.

When the officers asked Waldo where he was headed, Waldo responded, “Home, to the 6900 block of Del Playa Drive.” Since no such block exists, the officers asked Waldo again. He responded with two more equally fictional addresses.

Waldo was arrested for public intoxication and taken to the IVFP station, where officers determined Waldo’s home was actually on the 700 block of Embarcadero del Norte, which is nowhere near where Waldo thought he should have been going.

Anyone looking for Waldo after that should have checked the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed pending sobriety.

Bye, Bye, Bike

Saturday, April 19, at 1:50 a.m.: Officers walking along the 6600 block of Picasso Road observed a 22-year-old man with two ladies and a bicycle.

Suspecting that one of the man’s three dates might have been stolen, the officers separated them, at which point the officers also noticed a telltale lock still attached to the possibly stolen bike. Furthermore, Benji the Bikenapper reeked of booze.

Benji claimed the Huffy beach cruiser belonged to him, although he was unable to identify it beyond being “red.” Upon being asked if the bike had any distinctive markings, Benji simply replied, “Well, there are so many bikes in I.V.” Even the nature of the lock on the bike eluded Benji; he failed to remember that his lock was in the shape of a U rather than some other letter of the alphabet.

When the officer asked him what the key to the lock looked like and where it was, Benji said he would “plead the fifth” because he was “feeling pressured” by the officers.

Benji the Bikenapper spent the night in the Santa Barbara County Jail for public intoxication. If the owner of the stolen red Huffy would like “petty theft” added to Benji’s list of triumphs, he or she should contact the IVFP.

Isla Vista Philosophy

Sunday, April 20, at 1:58 a.m.: Officers standing on the corner of Camino Pescadero and Seville Road heard the sound of breaking glass and turned to observe a man walking away from a broken bottle and toward the officers. Seeing no traditional Jewish weddings in the vicinity that would explain the stomping of a napkin-draped glass, officers sought to question Glass Man Stan’s actions.

When Stan saw the officers approaching, he quickly walked into an apartment complex parking lot but could not evade the officers. Documenting a strong odor of alcohol, slurred speech and bloodshot eyes, an officer asked him why he threw the glass, and was probably shocked by the intellectual depth of Stan’s answer: “Why not?”

The riddle failed to prevent Glass Man Stan’s arrest for public intoxication. Will it teach him to avoid answering a question with another question? How should the Blotter Squad know?

Curious George and the Alcoholic Beverage

Sunday, April 20, at 2:05 a.m.: Officers finishing up the arrest of Glass Man Stan on the 6500 block of Madrid Road were met with another individual, Stan’s brother, who did not ask too many questions but asked one question too many times.

Upon witnessing his brother be placed into the back of a police car, Curious George repeatedly asked the officers where he was going. When officers told George his brother was being taken to Santa Barbara County Jail, he did not seem to understand and proceeded to re-ask the question six more times, despite the officers’ pleas for him to walk himself home.

Unable to find the man in the yellow hat to escort George home, the officers became frustrated and asked him why he could not remember what they were telling him. “Because I’m fucking drunk,” George said, as if the officers had not already noticed.

Despite this revelation, officers again advised George to walk home, but instead he began following the officers as they continued their patrol. The officers changed direction three times, probably to avoid having to write out two parental notifications to the same family, but Curious George was persistent and eventually got the officers to stop and try in vain one last time to get George to walk home. George appeared dumbfounded when asked for his address, and he was arrested for public intoxication.

It’s a Flower Vase, Seriously

Sunday, April 20, at 4:53 p.m.: Officers responded to a report of threats being made on the 6500 block of Madrid Road. Deadbeat Dave invited officers into his house to complain that his roommate was planning on suspending his “apartment privileges” because he owed $400 in bill payments.

While officers took little interest in Deadbeat Dave’s impending loss of his cable television, Internet and refrigerator privileges, they did take note of the marijuana water bong and marijuana smoking pipe in plain view on a desk in the living room.

Officers took possession of the paraphernalia to be destroyed, along with Deadbeat Dave’s hopes for a sky high 4/20 evening of watching TV, surfing the web and munching on snacks from the fridge.