Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.
Republican armies took control of key northwestern trade routes and Islavistingham ale-smuggling corridors Monday, marking the latest pitched battle in a series of armed clashes between political ideologies within the UCSB Fiefdom.
Several thousand plate-armoured Republican loyalists marched from conservative strongholds in northern Santa Barbara County to attack entrenched Democratic forces along the El Colegio Road at Camino Corto. Democrats have increased patrols in the area in response to Republican raids on caravans of keg-laden mule carts.
Lammy Johnstone-Kockler of Arc, leader of local Republican forces, said Democratic longbowmen, firing from recently asserted lands to the south repelled waves of her Republican Knights as they struggled forward through vernal swampland. After several hours, superior Republican numbers overwhelmed the Longbow-shooting Democrats, who retreated to Sueno Road, Johnstone-Kockler of Arc said.
“Thus by the grace of God my brave conservative soldiers of Our Lord have heroically wrestled another victory from the grips of ye heretical liberals and thy anti-tyranny, pro-drunken-fun leanings,” Johnstone-Kockler of Arc said. “First Islavistingham, next ye Fiefdom of UCSB, then this entire celestial sphere will see the benefit of tax cuts for the wealthy!”
Democratic Chancellor Henry VIII was quick to deny the significance of purported Republican military gains on the outskirts of Islavistingham.
In a billowing oration delivered from atop an outer wall of Castle Cheadle to campus Democrat sympathizers, Henry VIII said the local Republican party has resorted to outright looting and slash-and-burn tactics in a campaign of intimidation aimed at area peasantry.
“We will not lay down our arms while Republican forces block ale shipments to our bungalows,” Henry VIII said. “We need that liquor to fuel ye local party scene and the morale of our researchers who have contributed to the revered ranking of ye UCSB Fiefdom as one of ye dozen hottest realms on Earth. Thou canst not spell ‘morale’ without ‘ale.'”
Chancellor Henry VIII said Democratic commanders are currently regrouping and formulating plans for a decisive counterattack. The chancellor has also not ruled out hiring Independent and Green Party mercenaries, or leading his troops into battle himself if his soldiers are pushed too far toward the unstable Del Playa bluffs.
“Conservative warmongering, obsession with bearing arms, anti-abortion policy and laissez-faire economic practices that breed evil corruption will die at the gates of Islavistingham,” Henry VIII said. “The proprietors of these beliefs befoul the sanctity of humanity and must be defeated to ensure we merry Democrats do not fall victim to the wrath of God’s tendency to punish collectively.”
Johnstone-Kockler of Arc scoffed at the Democratic Chancellor’s remarks and suggested that liberal heathenism is actually to blame for attracting God’s scorn.
“Chancellor Henry VIII’s six wenches are perfect examples of the moral corruptness plaguing the Islavistingham region,” Johnstone-Kockler of Arc said. “If we do not eradicate political licentiousness, this war could continue for over a hundred years. Henry VIII lives in the rank sweat of an enseamed bed, stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love over the nasty sty!”
Hostilities between the local political parties began when the sudden death of Duchess Gail Marshall, commander of the 3rd District Buffer Zone, created a power vacuum between Democratic Fiefdom UCSB and Republican strongholds in North County.
Democrats and Republicans disputed the Marshall line of succession since each party had vested interest in the lucrative local alcohol trade.
“That Lammy Johnstone-Kockler of Arc better mind her arrogance,” Henry VIII said. “I mean, we’re consumed with individual welfare over here on the left, but that doesn’t render us incapable of burning our enemies as witches, especially the puking rump-fed wagtails like her.”
Johnstone-Kockler of Arc said Henry VIII’s pedestal of power is built of lies.
“His bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth,” Johnstone-Kockler of Arc said. “Henry VIII’s virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.”