Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.
As its coffers dwindle, the University of California is offering its academic wastrels a chance to repent and earn forgiveness through donations to the Mother University.
The Regents have decided upon the sale of academic indulgences to soften the blow of budget cuts. Earl Gray Davis has proposed $299 million in cuts to the budget of the 10-fiefdom UC system. Rather than raise tuition outright to recoup the loss, the Regents have implemented a system of fee-based academic forgiveness. Beginning in the Fall of 2003, undergraduates who would like to be eligible for the UCAF programme will have a $500 fee applied to their tuition each quarter.
Under the new writ, students enrolled in the UCAF programme shall be allowed to invoke their privileges up to 5 times during their college serfdom to automatically convert a failing grade to an A. An additional $500 fee will be assessed for each UCAF bequeathment.
“We’re expecting close to 100 percent enrollment. That should bring close to $10 million extra tax-free dollars to UCSB each quarter.” said George Walisngfidget, UCSB’s Vice-Chancellor of the Exchequer. “It matters not that some students won’t be able to afford the break of Spring. The financial windfall the UCAF programme will fund much faculty merriment and appeasement.”
Walisngfidget also pointed out that at its core the new provisions would provide a tangible and a spiritual benefit to participating undergraduates.
“One must also take into account the transcriptional advantage our graduates will have against their peers competing for spots in top-notch graduate schools outside the fiefdom,” the official said. “This will prepare them for post-college life, into which only the penitent – and promptly paying – student shall pass.”
When asked if this might undermine the credibility of the institution, the office of the UC Regents issued an official response.
The office could not be reached for further comment.
One undergrad demonstrated the speed at which the new framework could be adapted to a student’s academic plan.
“Next year I shall invoke my UCAF privileges so I can devote more time to surfing during Spring Quarter,” said Thomas John, a junior mercantilism major. “I can enroll in 16 units, collect my financial aid and graduate with a 4.0… all while I surfeth my arse off.”
UC Faculty have been voicing their support for the new policy.
Professor Edwin Cash of the Lottery Probability Dept. feels the policy is long overdue.
“Frankly, some of the students are simply too dumb to pass each and every class required here at the university. However, each year some portion of this intellectually challenged studentry doth slip through the cracks and graduate,” Cash said. “The UCAF policy will give another opportunity to yon varlets who are just 5 fails too feeble-minded to graduate.”