Funny Frieda Falls Face First

Sunday, Feb. 16, at 1:45 a.m.: The noise of a tipsy human body slapping face-first onto the pavement at the intersection of Camino Pescadero and Segovia Road turned two Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers around to see Face-plant Frieda, a well-soused victim of I.V.’s drinking scene.

Two of Frieda’s henchmen ran out to support the ground-bound lass, but they could only carry her a few feet before Freida made another of her inimitable face-plants. The officers asked the henchmen where they were taking her, and they said their destination was her home on El Greco Road. However, because the men were walking in the opposite direction, the officers took Frieda into custody.

Frieda was unresponsive to questioning, and, although she was arrested for public intoxication, she was taken to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital, where doctors could care for her and prevent any further face-to-ground collisions.

The Smartest Man in Isla Vista

Saturday, March 1, at 2:20 a.m.: In one of the most flagrant displays of intoxicated I.V. ignorance, an officer inside the IVFP station stepped out the front door to find the source of a loud, slurred volley of words.

The officer saw Jerry the Genius, who despite being obviously drunk, had parked himself directly outside the headquarters of the local law enforcement to have a cell phone conversation. When the officer approached him, Jerry explained that his friends told him to wait at the station while they got food.

The officer, likely questioning the motives behind Jerry’s friends’ directions, noted that the IVFP was an unusual spot for a drunken man to sit. Jerry admitted to drinking his share of alcohol, but said he was not causing a problem and would be home soon. Jerry, the model of cooperation with law enforcement, even offered his ID to the officer.

A check revealed that Jerry was on parole, a stipulation of which prohibited him from consuming alcohol. Because Jerry did not pose a threat to himself or others, the officer allowed Jerry to leave. However, a report of the incident was delivered to Jerry’s parole officer.

The report did not detail any further development in Jerry the Genius’ case.

Lawn Chair, One; Tire, Zero

Wednesday, March 27, at 2:30 p.m.: A man entered the IVFP station to report an act of violence upon his vehicle’s tire. He told the officer he suspected his neighbors had punctured the tire.

This man’s history with his neighbors, however, was one with which the officer was quite familiar. The officer had previously mediated a dispute between the man and his neighbors after the man claimed the neighbors threw a lawn furniture set onto the lawn of his Sabado Tarde Road home, scratching the hood of his car in the process.

Although the officer had brought the disputing sides to an agreement in which the lawn chair chuckers would pay for the damaged vehicle, the man claimed the neighbors later reneged on the pact and had slashed the tire.

The man asked for documentation of the slashing for an impending civil suit.

Well, Now My Armor’s Useless!

Friday, March 29, at 8:15 a.m.: An Isla Vista resident called the IVFP to report a missing sword. The man said he didn’t want “any trouble or confrontation,” but just wanted the officers to be aware of his missing blade.

That’s the joke. Sometimes the Daily Nexus Blotter Squad has the easiest job in the world.

G.I.J. Loves U.U.

Saturday, March 30, at 1:00 a.m.: An officer descending the beach access stairs at the end of Camino Pescadero spied what appeared to be a couple embracing on the beach. Using his flashlight to illuminate this scene of unbridled passion confirmed the officer’s suspicious; the man’s hand was indeed within the woman’s blouse. To determine whether the hand-to-bosom contact was consensual, the officer decided to separate the participants in this “From Here to Eternity” re-creation.

Questioning the woman revealed two startling facts: she had been drinking and she was only 16 years old. Ursula, whose undone bra did not escape the officer’s notice, said the man was soon leaving for military basic training and that she and he had strayed away from his farewell party.

G.I. Joe later admitted that fooling around with Underage Ursula was probably “a stupid idea,” although he said he did not plan to have sex with her.

The officer took Joe at his word. He cited Ursula for a curfew violation and contacted her brother to come and sweep her from the clutches of G.I. Joe, who may now face an intimate relationship with Iraq.