In memory of the late, sweatered Fred Rodgers of “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood,” and out of sympathy for the nation’s embittered obituary headline writers:

“Mr. Rogers Dead, Cardigan Industry Mourns”

“It’s a Down Right Shitty Day in the Neighborhood”

“Mr. Rogers Goes to the Cemetery of Not-so-make-believe”

“Fred Rogers, 74, Body No Longer Fancy”

“One Less Stop on Mr. McFeely’s Route”

“King Friday XIII Orders Rogers Disinterred, Piked”

“Daniel Stripe Tiger Shoed Away from Corpse”

“Rogers to Host ‘How People Make Dirt’ ”

“Fred Rogers, 74, Boards Eternal Trolly”

“Mr. Rogers Dead, Dead, Dead”

Friday’s forecast: Oh, write your letters.