That’s What Friends Are For

Saturday, Feb. 22 at 12:24 a.m.: Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers observed a 20-year-old woman stumbling down the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road, nearly falling over and leaning on parked cars for support.

Guessing her awkward, rhythmless gait was not a result of a crippling lacrosse injury, the officer approached the woman. As the officer neared her, a friend approached the woman and attempted to support her. The woman pulled away, however, and told the friend to not touch her.

Thinking the woman was tired of her friend and possibly wanted a new one, the officer began asking the woman questions. During her impromptu interview, the woman swayed from side to side and slurred her speech. Her words, dripping messily from her alcohol-numbed mouth, led the officer to believe that something had upset her. But rather than get into her personal life, he arrested her for public intoxication.

The officer’s report included an endnote stating that if the woman had not pushed the friend away, he probably would have entrusted her care to her friend and not arrested her.

See what you get for being a bad friend?

That’s What Suspenders Are For

Sunday, Feb. 23 at 1:20 a.m.: IVFP officers patrolling the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde were greeted with by Pete Pantsdropper, who characteristically had his pants around his knees.

Concerned for Pete’s safety (and likely wanting him to pull his pants up), the officer approached Pete, who responded by dropping his silver aluminum can on the ground and spilling its Rocky Mountain-brewed contents.

The officer asked if Pete lived on Sabado Tarde. Pete answered, “No.”

The officer asked where Pete lived. Pete said he lived on the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive.

The officer asked if Pete could point in the direction of his home. Pete pointed west.

Despite placing his DP house in the Devereux Slough, Pete insisted he knew the difference between east and west.

The officer, in an effort to pinpoint Pete’s precise level of drunkenness, asked how far Pete was from Sabado Tarde Road. Pete guessed a block and a half.

Pete admitted he had consumed about seven drinks and asked the officer if he could give him a ride home so he could pass out. Instead of home, the officer took Pete to the IVFP station, where Pete said he would give the officer $100 to just let him go.

The officer politely refused, but Pete asked three more times just to make sure.

Arrested for public intoxication, Pete Pantsdropper spent the night at the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he learned to keep his pants as far from the ground as possible.

Insert Your Own Joke Here

Sunday, Feb. 23 at 2:56 a.m.: An IVFP officer responded to a California Highway Patrol officer’s report of a detained individual on the corner of Segovia Road and Embarcadero del Norte.

The officer arrived and found a 19-year-old woman wrapped in a blanket and sitting on the curb. The narrative explaining the circumstances leading up to the woman’s arrest for public intoxication, however, were left off the report. The only additional information was that her eyes were “glassy,” her alcohol odor was “medium,” her speech was “slurred” and her clothing included “men’s underwear.”

The Daily Nexus blotter squad is at a loss for this one, folks. Draw your own conclusions and make your own joke.

– Compiled by Drew Mackie