Why Nana Can’t Finish Her Cross-Stitch

Friday, Jan. 24, at 10:30 p.m.: A pair of Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers near the intersection of Del Playa Drive and El Embarcadero approached a car at a stop sign because its owner had fitted it with forward-facing red lights, a violation of the vehicle code. But what could have resulted in a simple fix-it ticket for Freddy Fancylights soon escalated into a more serious situation.

While one officer spoke with the driver, the other spoke with a passenger. That officer immediately noticed a marijuana pipe on the passenger’s lap. He cited the passenger and seized the pipe, which was still warm. Clearly, someone had let it carelessly rest in the sun.

The first officer noted both the faint smell of scorched cannabinoid smoke and a plastic bag commonly used to hold marijuana. That bag contained vicodin. However, a search of Freddy Fancylights revealed three more bags, which contained a sum total of less than one ounce of pot.

Freddy was arrested for possession of a controlled substance and transported to the IVFP station, where he agreed to answer questions. He told officers he seldom smokes pot, although he has been a fan since he was 12 years old. Freddy also said he had his stash in three separate bags so he would not be tempted to smoke them all in one night. Finally, he said he had stolen the vicodin from his grandmother, likely leaving poor Nana Fancylights unable to get through her day without unbearable pain.

Freddy told the officer he takes a vicodin with a beer, so he doesn’t have to drink so much.

“Do you think you have a drug problem?” the officer asked.

“Yeah, probably,” Freddy answered.

Freddy spent the night in the Santa Barbara County Jail. Hopefully, Nana did not succumb to the pain of her arthritic body in his absence.

Drinking Of-Fence

Friday, Jan. 24, at 1:02 a.m.: Maybe he thought he was playing “Frogger.”

Two IVFP officers patrolling the intersection of Del Playa Drive and Camino Pescadero observed I.V.’s equivalent of a Dane in Solvang: a visibly intoxicated 21-year-old man staggering in the street.

When the young man bounced off a parked car and stumbled about four feet before heading toward the bluffs at the end of Camino Pescadero, the officers decided to intervene. They asked him where he was going; he responded, “To the fence.”

Wrong! He didn’t realize he was actually going to the county jail, another place where staggering 21-year-old men are a dime a dozen.

Isla Vista: One; Tennessee: Zero

Friday, Jan. 24, at 2:22 a.m.: An IVFP officer received a call from a doctor at Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital about a 19-year-old Tennessee resident treated for cranial lacerations caused by a broken bottle.

The officer arrived at the hospital and questioned Tennessee Ted, who explained that he had sustained his noggin floggin’ after attempting to steal a skateboard from a residence on the 6700 block of Trigo Road. Tennessee Ted, in whom the officer immediately recognized the signs of intoxication, said he knew the skateboard was not his and had not received any permission to take it.

When he picked up the forbidden set of wheels, Tennessee Ted said the partygoers began yelling at him to run. Escape, however, proved impossible; a bottle connected with his head and quickly introduced him to the pavement.

The same officer later spoke with a witness to the incident, who corroborated Tennessee Ted’s story, but added a small epilogue involving a confrontation with the bottle-chucker and three cohorts described as “three fat kids.” The witness described the bottle-chucker as white, “college-aged” and wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, thus narrowing down the field of suspects to most male UCSB students.

The officer took a report of the incident, pending further details.

Nothing’s Worse Than Broken Rubbers

Saturday, Jan. 25, at 11:28 a.m.: A 21-year-old woman entered the IVFP station to report the slashing of her tires. She also said she knew the identity of the slasher.

Tireless Tess said she returned to her residence on the 6600 block of Abrego Road the previous night around 1 a.m. and found a large, red truck occupying her parking space. Unable to find the intruding truck’s owner, Tess called the tow truck. Minutes later, she was approached by a 21-year-old man, who said he owned the truck. Tess said the man became very upset, yelling at his female companion and giving Tess the bewildering information, “It doesn’t matter. I have a LoJack.”

But the red truck was moved and Tireless Tess got her space back. When her tires were missing some air the next morning, Tess suspected the owner of the red truck as causing the estimated $270 in damages.

Upon being questioned by the officer, both the owner and his friend denied slashing Tess’ tires as well as any altercation between themselves and Tess the previous night.

The officer took a report of the incident.

But the real losers here, of course, are the tires, which are listed as “slashed ” and are expected to remain so.