I was watching the movie “Striptease” over break and I realized two things immediately: a) “Why the hell am I watching this?” and b) “Wow, I’ve always wanted to twirl around on a pole like that.” This is quickly followed by, “What the hell am I thinking?” and, “Why does Demi Moore look better at 40 than I do at 21?” Damn that sexy and confident bitch!
It takes effort to feel sexy and confident. It takes using that special smelly lotion, shaving your legs extra smooth, and wearing the “tasteful” low-cut top. All men have to do is cut their toenails to get a little extra praise.
Girls have to be aware and innovative; guys get off with a great pair of jeans and a white T-shirt. Women, however, have a weapon that few men have: wonderfully sensual, attractive bodies that are best adored in the nude. (This explains why we scope out other women.)
I realized that most of the time, when we gals don’t feel confident about ourselves, it’s because we don’t feel a) smart and/or b) sexy. With men this can be easily translated into a) lost at fantasy football and/or b) lost erection during sex.
A striptease is the ultimate test of confidence and sexiness. And who doesn’t want to feel that? Which leads me to New Year’s resolution #1: become an undercover stripper. This has the unintended effect of cheap gift for significant other. Double boner!
There are 10 essential tips any girl must take to give a really great striptease of the lap-dance sort. First, you must choose music with a slow, sultry beat that you can move to. The kind of song that makes you want to grab anyone at 634. The kind that makes you feel comfortable and saucy. Light some candles. (Your partner can’t see jiggling so well in dim light, right?)
Second, you must always be aware of where his or her hands are, and make sure they don’t touch you. This is all a part of the tease factor. Remember that you can do whatever the hell you want: breathe into the ear, lick the lips – just not too much all at once. He or she has no choice but to take your commands if they want the booty.
Third, there is nothing worse than trying to undress from size four pants when you should be wearing a size eight. Remember to wear tops with zips or buttons, a miniskirt is a plus, and heels. The heels are a must; you can toss it up with a little thigh-high stocking action. Let’s face it, who doesn’t want to undress a Catholic school girl, ˆ la Britney?
Fourth, once you start with your ass-wiggling, take your top off first. But don’t give it away all at once; turn around, shrug it off and put your hands over your breasts before turning back around. Holding the boobs equals more cleavage.
Fifth, shimmy off your skirt by turning back, stiff-legged, and bend over to drop the skirt to the floor. Kick it off to the side like it was never worthy to be on your precious derri