The Spirit of Giving

Monday Nov. 25 at 12:40 a.m. Isla Vista Foot Patrol deputies responded to complaints regarding a public disturbance on the 6700 block of Sueno Road. The officers heard glass breaking as they approached the residence and observed two men, ages 19 and 20, throwing beer bottles at the windows of a Volkswagen parked in front of the house. When the suspects saw the officers approaching, they both fled into the residence.

As the officers knocked on the door of the residence, they observed the Beer Bottle Bandits through the front window wrestling with three other men. Because no one answered the door and because they had always wanted to do it, deputies kicked open the front door of the house and burst in with a blaze of glory.

Officers interviewed a resident of the house, who said he gave the Beer Bottle Bandits permission to break the windows of the car because it didn’t run and he was going to donate it to charity. Santa Barbara charities have an exceptionally high demand for cars with broken windows that don’t run.

The Beer Bottle Bandits were arrested for public intoxication and transported to SB County Jail. Once in jail, the Bandits apologized several times for breaking the windows and kept talking about how “stupid” their actions were.

The Human Sundial

Saturday Nov. 30 at 10:47 p.m. The IVFP received a call from a Woodstock’s Pizza employee who was concerned that a 40-year-old man, who had left the pizza joint extremely intoxicated, would walk into the street in front of a car.

A rigorous sweep of the neighborhood ensued and officers finally located the man near Perfect Park. He was passed out and his pants were down around his ankles, perhaps in hope that a similarly drunk woman would pass out on top of him.

The officers awoke the classy gentleman from his slumber and observed a strong odor of alcohol, bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and soiled clothing. The man was unable to maintain his balance.

The Human Sundial, apparently unaware the lack of sunlight had rendered his timepiece useless, was arrested for public intoxication and housed at the SB County Jail until he could keep his clothes on.

In Case the Smell Wasn’t Convicting Enough

Wednesday Dec. 4 at 2:30 a.m. IVFP received a report that a 23-year-old male resident of Francisco Torres was suspected of possession of marijuana and smoking paraphernalia.

The on-duty manager of FT was patrolling the rear parking lot when he used his laser vision to determine that a room on the seventh floor had a plastic bag over the smoke detector. When he went to the room, he was met at the door by the resident stoner.

The manager noticed the room smelled like marijuana and observed a bong on the counter. He asked the resident if the smoke detector was covered because he was smoking and if he knew why he was there. The resident said he didn’t speak English very well, but when asked if he smoked marijuana he said yes.

The manager obtained permission from the resident to search the room. He found a baggie full of a “green, leafy substance,” another baggie of marijuana stems, a pipe which appeared to be used, a picture of the resident rolling a joint, posters of marijuana plants and multiple copies of High Times magazine.

The search provided sufficient evidence to arrest the resident for possession of a controlled substance and have him transported to SB County Jail for the fun of further booking procedures.

– Compiled by Kristina Ackermann from Isla Vista Food Patrol reports