“Down… Set… Charge!”
Lt. Favre calls out, and his platoon of 50 other NFL pros explode into action. Guns firing and bombs blasting all around them, these finely tuned aggression machines are finally being put to some good use.
Gun in hand, unstoppable running back Emmitt Smith flies across the desert sands. Kablam! A land mine does the job so many defense lines couldn’t, and Smith now flies through the air in ten or more pieces. It really depends on whether you count the helmet as part of his head.
There are 32 NFL teams, each of them having around 55 players, give or take, on their roster -that’s 1,760 men who have dedicated their whole lives to being the biggest, meanest, toughest sons of bitches around. They’ve been playing a game constantly compared to war. The giving and taking of territory one bloody inch at a time, the violently close quarters – these people are made to fight.
And fight they should. The UN voted unanimously to give Iraq one last chance to disarm and offer their country up for inspection before dire consequences befall them, and it should be in the form of a bunch of Kevlar-clad meatheads with more muscle than they know what to do with.
Remember when American women got their first big chance to stand in the sports spotlight? It was during World War II, when the men playing America’s then-favorite game, baseball, went to war. It was perfect – all-American males setting an example by going across the waters themselves to defend our nation and our ideals.
Now imagine a crowd of Raiders fans charging across the sands behind Rich Gannon. Inspired by today’s sporting heroes, these badasses can bring their own knives and chains to back themselves up in close combat once they’re in too deep for guns. If you’ve ever been to a Raiders home game wearing colors other than silver and black, you know what that crowd will do. More aggression to be funneled into the U.S. war effort.
They’re really like our religious fanatics, our hard-line extremists. Except they don’t have ideals so much, or really anything other than a drive to destroy themselves and each other. Now they can bend their rampaging little minds on the Iraqi people.
Just strap bombs to their chests and they’re martyrs for the cause of the real American Dream: running into people and hitting them while scrambling after the ol’ dead pig. Pigskin. Whatever.
And these are definitely people that could be pretty easily convinced to become human detonators. They all share the zealous nature that belongs to football fanatics and drives them to paint their sagging bellies, say, green and yellow, then stand shirtless in sub-zero temperatures for hours on end.
This could also give women another chance to shine in the sporting arena, taking up the pads that the new soldiers left behind and hitting the stadium. Of course, that’s assuming one could find enough women who find putting on helmets and running into each other amusing enough to want to do it professionally.
Let’s see those New England Patriots show some real patriotism. Let’s get the NFL finally standing up as a good role model for young Americans. Instead of beating their girlfriends, football players could be beating Saddam. Let’s send those beer-fueled riotous fans into Baghdad.
And if they never made it back from Iraq? Well, there’s always soccer.
Daily Nexus assistant opinions editor Cory Anthony is going into hiding for the next couple weeks, but his column will continue to appear every Tuesday.