Isla Vista Identity Crisis

Friday, Oct. 18, 11:01 p.m.: Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive observed an 18-year-old woman swaying heavily from side to side, apparently unable to stand erect without the support of her companion. Realizing she was probably not involved in some kind of high-concept performance art, officers approached her and – upon her admission of drinking vodka and rum – determined she was intoxicated.

When officers asked the woman for her identification, she handed officers her camera, believing it to be her I.D. Either officers were able to find her driver’s license or they got to a one-hour photo processor, because the woman was arrested and taken to the Santa Barbara County Jail.

A Feast Fit for a King

Saturday, Oct. 19, 5:50 p.m.: An officer responded to a report of a citizen’s arrest at Isla Vista Market. Upon the scene, an employee of the market said he observed the arrested individual suspiciously walking through the store with a beer in one hand and jerky in the other.

When the suspect attempted to leave the store without paying, the employee stopped him. In the shoplifter’s pockets, the employee found three eight-ounce cans of Red Bull, a 16-ounce Bud Light, four packages of Oberto pepperoni and a bottle of No-Doz pills. The suspect was taken to the Santa Barbara County Jail for shoplifting.

Too bad he was arrested; it looked like he had one classy night ahead of him.

Some People Like Attention

Saturday, Oct. 19, 2:05 a.m.: While walking along the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive, officers observed an 18-year-old man being held back by other men, presumably trying to stop him from fighting. A witness explained the man had attacked another man, who fled the scene before the police arrived. Officers arrested the suspect for fighting in public.

Once in police custody, the man proved to be quite the Fussy Franklin, yelling loudly, making verbal threats to officers, spitting, slipping his handcuffs to the front of his body and kicking the table in the interview room.

When officers restrained the man with a rip hobble – an instrument analogous to a hogtie for humans – he continued to behave wildly. He threatened to eat a spider off the floor of the interview room and intentionally electrocute himself using the outlet in the room. Officers eventually placed him in a different room, where he attempted to eat the plastic bag lining a tub for vomit, which an officer then removed from the room.

The man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he can get all the attention he wants.

Pill-Popping Princess Prepares for Prison

Saturday, Oct. 19, 2:38 a.m.: An officer observed two people sleeping inside a car parked on the 6500 block of Trigo Road, near the top of the Embarcadero Loop. He was able to rouse one of the snoozers, a disoriented woman who explained she could not show her identification because she leaves it at home so as never to lose it. Then, apparently using her magical powers of teleportation, she presented the officer with her I.D.

When the officer examined the contents of the woman’s purse, he found a small box with the word “success” ironically inscribed upon it. The box was full of a “leafy, green substance.” A healthy spinach snack, perhaps? A second box, labeled “love,” contained several pills, later determined to be Valium, Vicodin and soma. A party in a box! “They’re not mine!” the woman said. “I don’t know how they got in my purse!”

The officer arrested the woman for possession of a controlled substance. Apparently yearning for the full “COPS” experience, she asked if the officer would read out her Miranda rights. He explained that he only reads a suspect his or her rights when he intends to ask questions specifically about the investigation.

“Oh, I’ve just never been in this situation before and I thought it would be a cool thing to hear,” she said.

The officer said he could read her rights anyway, if she really wanted him to. The woman declined and boarded the van to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she probably thought getting fingerprinted and changing into an orange jumpsuit was also “cool.”