“Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?”

I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone that for a good six years I’ve been known to all my friends and some of my enemies as the “Penis Girl.” I hold it as a distinction of pride, of love, of … well, something.

My obsession with the penis starts, strangely enough, with just the word. It’s fun to say, even more fun to scream out the car window at unsuspecting pedestrians (not that I would know from personal experience), and sounds great even in the plural: penes.

The word now spouts so naturally from my mouth I tend to use it as a greeting to people I know well; where most individuals would just say, “Hey, what’s up?” I can’t help but pipe up with a perky “Penis!”

I love penis. For me, the word and the organ express exactly the fun that sex is and should be. It’s an obsession built not out of hormones but instead from curiosity and the need to enjoy life.

Now, I’m not saying that I myself want a dangling piece of flesh in my undies to deal with on a day-to-day basis. I don’t have penis envy, and while I don’t mind waking up in the morning with a hard-on between my legs, it had better be attached directly to my boyfriend. I do, however, think the penis a work of living art in its own way, something to be enjoyed and cherished.

And this enjoyment doesn’t necessarily have to be limited to the guy. We all know most men – especially the well-endowed ones – are pretty damn proud of their members. A few inches of excess flesh is a strange thing to build an ego around, but Isla Vista is crawling with guys like this. I guess it has something to do with the “size of my masculinity, gruntgruntgrunt” or something like that.

For a woman, on the other hand, a penis can be a source of simple pleasure and hours of entertainment. No matter the size, four inches or fourteen, a penis makes a perfect plaything. Aside from the obvious penetrating power, an erect phallus makes a great catapult for small candies or a spiffy gearshift for the vehicular imagination.

Your penis is also a great way to impress your lady. While obviously it’s a rather inappropriate tool to use for courtship purposes, the manhood can be useful to make her smile when she’s feeling down with the ever-popular Poppy Penis Prance. Make your pecker bounce around to a merry beat, and she’s sure to collapse in giggles.

If you want to be truly macho, one could follow the practice of some Southeast Asians, who insert small nuggets of gold or silver into incisions along the shaft of the penis. Once healed, you essentially have a cock ribbed for her pleasure.

Or maybe not.

At any rate, male genitalia have in the past few decades gotten a lot of flack for thousands of years of misuse. This is unfortunate. The penis can and should be used for making the two people involved in its use feel special and honored.

Daily Nexus features editor Sarah Kent waited until her second-to-last Hump to proclaim her love of penis. Tell her she’s a tool of this male-dominated society at <opinion@dailynexus.com>.