Let’s all return to Victorian England. Those were delightful times. Men wore long coats, women bound themselves in internal organ- damaging corsets and boys and girls stayed separate. You knew your place by the color of your skin or by the appendage that did or didn’t swing between your legs.
Now we have equality, a tricky little word that makes everyone’s lives more difficult. Thankfully, our good, born-again Christian President Bush decided that a return to Victorian sensibility is just what this nation needs. His first target: public schools.
Just last week, Bush made clear his plans to increase aid for same-sex public schooling. He wants to rework Title IX so it’s easier to separate boys and girls at an early age and instill in them the rigid gender roles we so sorely lack in today’s society.
If you don’t get them young, you’ve lost them for life.
These new same-sex public schools will work on the principle of “separate but equal.” Bush clarifies the term “equal” with the word “comparable” and hopes to broaden the scope of what “comparable” means.
Proponents of same-gender schools claim that the elimination of the opposite sex reduces stress and distraction. All too often, thirteen-year-olds will sneak off into the bathroom for a round of hanky-panky in between class periods.
It’s also a well known fact that young girls are inherently weaker and more docile than young boys, preferring to play house or tea-party during breaks than war or football. Their heightened sensitivity makes them feel intimidated to raise their hand or ask questions with all the big strong boys around. Giving them their own environment, with pink tile walls and lace-trimmed report cards, will help encourage their eager minds.
But not too much: A girl with too many questions threatens the stability of our social structure.
With this “separate but equal” program, we ensure that little boys will grow up to be the providers for the family. Without this, he’ll never know how to scratch his balls appropriately or how to make sure his woman has his dinner ready as soon as he gets home from the office.
Women will learn how to stay at home, a tricky task for anyone, and how to remain thin and beautiful – even after pumping out five children – in order to keep their man faithful.
Some opponents argue that separating boys and girls will retard their ability to socialize and get along with each other once reaching a university. This is clearly a socio femme-Nazi agenda. Same-sex schooling will make sure that boys and girls know exactly what their place is and how to act accordingly.
If we do not adapt our teaching styles to fit the specific biological needs of our children, our society will degenerate. Women would ride around willy-nilly on motorcycles and men would sit around all day watching soap operas and discussing their feelings. Our existence hinges on productive males and nurturing women.
So show your support for Bush’s new plan. Men, get out there and sling your feces at those femme-Nazi subverters. Women, start knitting sweaters and baking victory pies for your husbands. Bush is going to need all the help he can get with this one.
Daily Nexus Assistant Opinion Editor Steven Ruszczycky likes to bake pies and knit sweaters. The public school system failed him.