I can’t believe I forgot last week. I printed on May 1, and I didn’t even mention May Day.
This weekend I attended a pagan spring ceremony in honor of May Day. Now, the origins of this ceremony predate even socialism and workers’ rights. Part of this ritual involves chopping down a tall tree, removing the branches, tying a bunch of long ribbons to it, erecting it and dancing around it in merry celebration. This poor stripped tree is called a “maypole.”
I couldn’t help (being a sex columnist) stepping back and being struck by exactly what this maypole represents – nothing more than a big, gigantic penis. It’s just a big, old symbol of a male-dominated universe.
In the male-oriented world we have lived in for so long, we’re used to phallic symbolism being all around us. It’s become such a part of our daily landscape that we don’t even think about it. What, you really thought that we have these tall, thin towers everywhere because they’re obvious and easy to make?
So, what if the world were more female-oriented? What would things be like? Instead of looking like penises, would everything look like boobies or vaginas?
Would towers even exist? Instead of Storke Tower, would instead we have the Storke Yurts or the Storke Caverns? Would the entire campus be covered with yurt-like buildings and sunken gardens? Would the South Hall Graduate Tower be the Graduate Cavern instead? (In a way, it would make more sense…)
Would people have been erected on crosses as punishment in the Roman Empire, or would Jesus have been drowned in a pool of water? We’d be wearing little bottles of water around our necks instead of crosses.
Maybe fountains, instead of spurting up from the center, would be circular walls of water pouring into deep pools.
Cities, instead of proudly rising up above our heads, would be vast networks of underground tunnels and caverns. Why have skyscrapers that can be knocked down when you can live in secure caves beneath the earth?
Instead of tall lampposts lining our streets, there would be “street boobs” – little mounds of light highlighting the world for us. Electrical and telephone wires would be laid underground, instead of up high on dangerous poles that could fall on our heads.
On a not-so-architectural scale, perhaps it would be men liberating themselves sexually in the recent sexual revolutions. Would men be breaking free of oppressive stereotypes about promiscuous male sexual behavior?
Better yet, would it be the men starving themselves and wearing uncomfortable clothing to impress the women? Imagine, a guy wearing high heels to make himself look taller and more impressive than other males.
Would sex be such a bad thing? If women organized a society, would it still be in individual family groups, or instead communities of women who all take care of each other’s children, sharing men and responsibilities. There wouldn’t be the “burden” of having a child anymore. A woman could express herself as sexually as she liked, and not fear being left alone and helpless with a child.
Goodness, it would be the end of the nuclear family as we know it. Heaven forbid.
Speaking of heaven, would it be above our heads, or underground, in the rich, damp, forgiving depths of the earth?
And would the maypole instead be a maypool? Instead of dancing around a dead tree, would we be swimming around in a living lake?
Daily Nexus features editor Sarah Kent is rather speculative this week. Maybe she’ll go spelunking this weekend with her mother. Send her your sex ideas, comments and questions to <email@example.com.