Tulips to the men’s and women’s basketball teams for making it to the NCAA playoffs. It was a great finish to two excellent seasons.

Turds to the crowds returning to Isla Vista. Things were so nice here when everyone was out of town.

Still-in-the-ground tulips to the low crime rate over Spring Break. While it’s a shame everyone came back, it’s nice their stuff is still here.

Constipated, late-in-coming turds to those professors and lecturers who still haven’t posted their grades for Winter Quarter. Would you people let us turn in a paper this late?

Miniature, hard-edged turds to the Office of the Registrar for ridiculously and artificially small class sizes.

Same turds go to academic departments that closed course enrollment at the start of the quarter.

Bright – and very green – tulips to Professor Shuji Nakamura who just received a $16 million grant from Japan to design better DVDs.

Greasy turds to CNN for its incompetent and thoroughly uncritical coverage of just about everything but especially the Arab world.

Pop-up tulips to CNN, however, for its coverage of the Queen Mother’s death, which included this text: “English Queen touched commoners.”

Congratulatory tulips to Denzel Washington and Halle Berry for their fine performances in “Training Day” and “Monster’s Ball,” and for being the first African American best actor and actress to share the stage at the Academy Awards, trophies in hand.

Unwelcome, syrupy turds to Celine Dion and her musical comeback. We’d hoped she was both forgotten and gone.

Fresh tulips to the 3rd District leadership for the fresh asphalt and sidewalks in I.V.

Mile-high piles of turds to I.V.’s landlords, who are raising rents from “stratospheric” to “mesospheric.”

Tulips to the News-Presser who liked our April Fool’s issue and dropped off beer. When we call you, we can call you Al.

Blue and gold tulips to all the new students visiting campus. Come visit us under Storke Tower.

Lastly, matrimonial tulips to Nexites Tony Biasotti and Gretchen Macchiarella.