He was sitting on the toilet, captured in the moment, hands whirling and pumping like a small engine, when it happened: our illustrious and athletic Associated Students President, Brian Hampton, came to the realization that he is a pathetic idiot.
“… And then the epiphany came to me,” said Il Duce Hampton. “I am an idiot. A complete fucking idiot – except for the fucking part. Don’t let me near fertile women because there is no way you want me impregnating anyone with my child.”
“Out with the old and in with the new,” he said.
First to go is the stripper’s pole in his living room. “It’s going directly into my office,” Dictador Hampton said. “Then maybe, if it’s not too much trouble, even the strippers could go. But I don’t want to contribute to unemployment, so maybe not.”
Next on his to-do list is a new campaign platform which will unofficially include bringing kaber tossing, otherwise known as Scottish log throwing, back to UCSB.
“I’ve been so busy cramming for finals and now the upcoming election that I haven’t been able to draw up a complete plan,” Sultan Hampton said. He would not reveal the rest of his strategy for self-improvement but hinted that it would include a plan called “operation furtive masturbation.”
-Written by Anne Griffen and Myalanta Burns