Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

The UCSB College Republicans announced a lineup for the fall, 2002 “American Heroes” lecture series that includes several well-known conservatives as well as unknown conservative Bill Simon, Jr., the Republican candidate for California Governor.

Popular right-wing thinkers Adolf Hitler and Heinrich Himmler will headline the series, and College Republicans Chairman Jonathan Kalinski said the third lecturer would be Satan. Oliver North, who has previously appeared, had a reported scheduling conflict, but the group intended to invite the ghosts of Jefferson Davis and John C. Calhoun to take his place.

“We feel these speakers achieve the diversity and purity of thought that UCSB expects from the ‘American Heroes’ lecture series,” Mr. Kalinski said. “Their contributions to conservative thought in this country and in others have made them heroes for all of us.”

Although Mr. Kalinski said all students would be welcomed at the event, the Associated Student Finance Board was forced to cut its contribution to $2,000, which will only cover one-half of Mr. Hitler’s speaking fee, after running out of money for the sixth consecutive quarter.

The Campus Democrats said they planned to have a series of lectures; however, the group would have its own members speak about their own importance and superior morality. Lecture dates have not been announced yet, as the group is trying to schedule the speeches around “Friends” reruns. The Campus Democrats said they might ask the Finance Board to cover the cost of wine coolers, balloons and cushions for their tender backsides.

The College Republicans also asked the Finance Board for $10,000 to cover speaking fees and the cost of goat sacrifices at their weekly meetings.

“Sacrificing fresh, young goats is an integral part of our Tuesday nights,” College Republicans member Lee Gientke said. “Without their blood, this group would lose much of the conservative vitality it currently possesses.”

The group planned to raise the remaining money from its usual assortment of conservative foundations and anonymous, local right-wing developers and retired investment consultants.