R. Kelly: Today is a 14. Just how old was that girl in the videotape? You will face difficulty in proving your innocence to people in the upcoming months. It might be best to lay low while the legal battle clears up and society is allowed to forget the whole mess. Then again, who knows? Aaliyah was only 15 when you eloped with her. Maybe this girl will turn into a superstar as well. And then die.
Dorothy Hamill: Today is a 1976. Ah, what a good year. You will be increasing your television appearances over the next year or so, until your 1996 bankruptcy filing finally clears. Hang in there, Dorothy. Those who are old enough to be investors still remember your Olympic glory. And celebrity money has been mismanaged before. Remember MC Hammer?
Living Colour: Today is a 3. You’ve been flirting with disaster. Time to think about your actions. Mistakes #1 and #2: Didn’t you watch “Behind The Music?” Why sue a post-bankruptcy TLC when their producer, Dallas Austin, is much wealthier? Mistake #3: Alleging copyright infringement over your song, “Make Your Mind Up” versus TLC’s “Unpretty.” You might have a case if you were suing over a song people actually knew.
Mariah Carey: Today is a 2:36. If anybody thought that your “breakdown” was just a publicity scheme or more of your “diva” antics, the message you left on the web to your fans should prove them wrong: over two minutes of incoherent babbling. Although many people dislike you (including yours truly), a quick listen to that message will make them say, “You poor, pathetic son-of-a-mother.” Get professional help.
The Cast of “Friends”: Today is a 24,000,000. Eyebrows will be raised this season, your ninth and final. Excess can be a good thing, but in moderation. $1 million for each of 24 episodes equals $1 for every sucker who watches the show. Beware of your film careers, however. As your series comes to a close, you may need to budget that money carefully – it may be the last you see in a long time.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: Today is a 2. Congratulations on appearing generous in the nominations for Best Actor. For the first time ever, two black men, Will Smith and Denzel Washington, are up for the coveted Oscar(r). Some will say that this is a first step, but don’t look a gift horse in the mouth; if neither win, you may be viewed unfavorably. Does it really take two tokens to operate this thing?
Youree Dell Harris (Miss Cleo): Today is a $4.99 per minute. You will face charges brought on by nine different states and the Federal Trade Commission. Their allegation: You’re a (heaven forbid) fake! You will have to fight hard to keep what is yours – your airtime and your income from people who really need something to believe in. Whether or not you’re a fake, your accent is. Maybe you should call LaToya and Dionne: That’s what friends are for.
98 Degrees: Today is a 16. It seems that the entire nation has come to the age where their hormones should lead them to angst, not bubblegum. You will take an “extended hiatus” from recording and touring, which effectively means you will disappear from the face of the earth. Oh wait, Drew Lachey and Jessica Simpson are getting married. Look how good that made the Spice Girls’ careers.