The weatherpet has dark secrets.

In his former life, the weatherpet was a pitfigher. Matches were staged in abandoned industrial sinks and zoo parking lots. Under the name “The Macho Guinea Pig Randy Cabbage” he would fight other Guinea Pigs, Chinchillas and up to a dozen dwarf hamsters for money, to the delight of underworld betting rings.

Thursday’s Forecast: It’s as believable as the plots on WWF, he’s not much shorter than Jean Claude Van Damme.