Joke: What is worse than an alcoholic? A Gauchoholic! What is worse than a Gauchoholic? A Gauchoholic as Associated Students president! What is worse than a Gauchoholic as A.S. president? A Gauchoholic A.S. president AND the rest of A.S. being Gauchoholics too!
So my time is up at UCSB and I’m tired of this school, tired of everyone here, tired of you. When I leave SB this year I don’t want to say, “Man, Joe, you really should have hung out with so and so” and/or “I miss this place.” Instead I want to say, “Good idea on leaving I.V., Joe” and/or “I feared for my life and now I don’t ever want to go back.” The smokes are gone, the keg is tapped, the bowl cached. But, before going, let me impart all my wisdom worth sharing to you all and leave my legacy all over your face like a bad porno moneyshot.
To begin with, the only major worth taking is medieval studies. Business is boring (although a bonus is that the accountants are all drunks), film is a joke (Rosebud was a fucking sled!), psychology is sociology slowed down to a standstill. English and comparative literature students end up homeless (and not teachers), art studio would be cool if it involved some form of performance art that included public executions. Communication (enough said), and Spanish, Italian and French are really the same language. But medieval studies, baby! You get to learn chivalry, speak olde English, get badass names (I get to be Edwin the Dragon Slayer!) and drink beer as thick as pea soup. Around 10 p.m, every Monday and Wednesday (the only confirmed days) in the Music Department courtyard, men put on armor and duel with broadswords while their wenches sit on, sewing on their looms. I swear to God, no not your God, but the other God. Not the one with vengeance and spite who makes me go to church, but the one that doesn’t give a damn (did I offend any “Christians?”). Anyway, check out medieval studies. You’ll switch majors immediately.
So your lame ass decided to get a significant other and now you don’t know what to do with them. First off, if your beau calls during “The Simpsons,” ditch ’em quicker than soiled underwear. I’ve never heard of an emergency that could not wait an hour. Anyway, a walk on the beach is always nice and cheap. Go on campus and try to blow out the eternal flame. Do what you can to get into a fight with a raccoon. Spit into the wind. Trip old people. Get drunk and go up to police officers and inform them as to why you can still operate heavy machinery. But DO NOT take your significant other to a free movie screening at I.V. Theater. There is a reason why the movies are free… because they suck.
Have you ever wondered why a bar will ever serve you alcohol until you can’t stand and then they’ll kick you out? If you ever see me down on State, stumbling nowhere, could you give me a ride? So Q’s is a club which tries to act uppity in Santa Barbara, which is pretentious since this town is overrated anyway. The Study Hall tries to mimic Q’s in Isla Vista, so the irony is tri-fold. UCSBrews will always serve you. After getting booted from Study Hall, walk over to UCSBrews and be greeted by the HOTTEST bartender in the world (if you go on the right night)… and on a stalker note, this girl also works at the bookstore on campus. The girl with short black hair will have you renounce God faster than you can get your pants down to take a piss all over the bathroom there.
Every Wednesday and Thursday is a vegetarian lunch on campus that is really yummy.
For all you gossip fiends out there: Did you know Julia Stiles works in the honors lounge as a proctor? Joaquin Phoenix might not go to this school but people spot him all the time at “keggers” down on D.P., which stands for Del Playa Drive. That little kid from “Malcolm in the Middle,” Frankie Munz, takes UCSB extension classes in Ventura. If you don’t believe me, check the school directory. And did you know Britney Spears applied here under an alias and DID NOT get in? Wanna mess around with rock stars? Did you know if you call Interscope Records at (310) 865-1000 you can leave messages for rock stars? I called to tell Fred Durst to remind him he is old and balding.
Registering your bike, access cards, fraternities and sororities are the biggest waste of money since California invested in PG&E.
Have I covered everyone? I predict this school is going to implode within the next four years. It is not indicative of the real world at all. The people who did pep in high school are running the damn college. Don’t we need a good athletic program before we start sponsoring “Gauchoholics?” Aren’t they cute little white boys? I think Mahader Tesfai’s face next to all the past WHITE A.S. presidents looks good. A pleasant contrast in a changing world. Do you think UCSB blacks could be more than 2 percent of the school population? We are in a bigger bubble than UCLA is!
And lastly, some rhetorical questions that have baffled me from the moment I came to school here:
Why am I so much smarter than you? And better looking? Has anyone ever seen the BARC office open except during lunch when all other offices are shut? Why do classes keep going after the university shuts down? Does Chancellor Yang really exist? And finally, how many times have YOU blown out the eternal flame?!
Don’t love me. Forget me. I am taking orders for “I disagree with Joe… and I hate him” shirts. You need to be “in” to figure out who to ask for them.
Joseph Milbury is a senior business economics major.