This is the sound of the NBA Playoffs on the Weathertelevision. It’s also the sound of Saturday Night Live, Friends and the Spanish Channel.

A long time ago, the Weatherroomates and I decided not to get cable. In a normal town, we would get four semi-clear channels and two squiggily ones.

But we live in I.V. All we get is ABC. For those unfamiliar with hell, here’s the daily schedule:

9 a.m.: “Live! with Regis and Kelly” (Regis = spaz)

10 a.m.: “Martha Stewart Show” (Martha = shit)

11 a.m.: Soap operas (Four hours = waste of life)

3 p.m.: “The View” (Hosts = shitnoses)

4 p.m.: I don’t recall (maybe that = a good thing)

5 p.m.: Local news (KEYT = Half-Assed News)

6 p.m.: The real news (Good = but I’m at work)

7 p.m.: Regis’ millionaire show (See 9 a.m.)

8 p.m.: Sitcoms (“3rd Rock” = Ccccccccccc is better)

11 p.m.: “Battle Dome” (Redneck Hour = amusing)

Monday’s forecast: A chilly morning will heat up after I turn on the Weathertelevision (hell is hot).