Look out.

A fresh, new set of useless people has gathered in front of the Arbor to throw their bodies in front of the innocent in the name of ass-kissing.

Once again, it’s time for A.S. elections. Once again, no one cares … until now.

I lost on a minor technicality last year (lack of votes), but I’ve taken care of that and I’m back with a vengeance. That’s right, I’m running for A.S. president. I’m running on the Weatherticket, and here is our platform:

1. Soda in the water fountains for everyone.*

2. Froggy pops for everyone.*

3. English-speaking math professors for everyone.*

4. Disposable velvet toilet-seat covers for everyone.*

5. Co-ed naked lacrosse (for real this time).

6. Campuswide installation of heated, vibrating muff bumpers and sack tappers.

7. Victorino will be my vice president.

*except for meatheads

Wednesday’s forecast: A burst of sunshine and fresh air.