When I was five, mean old ladies with superiority complexes and yellow teeth patrolled the playground armed with pink slips, whistles and explicit threats to “tell my teacher.” They used these devices to scold me when I violated their sacred “playground rules.”

These women were called yard duties.

Now that I’m in college, mean young people with superiority complexes and bright yellow shirts patrol the campus armed with tight jeans, mag-lights, and explicit threats to “call the police.” They use these devices to scold me when I violate their sacred “campus rules.”

These people are called CSOs.

Thursday’s forecast: Partly cloudy, with a 95 percent chance of verbal harassment showers on your ride home from Chem 1179.