Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus

A lot of you may have noticed somewhat of an empty feeling around Coal Oil Point this week, as if an old friend or a familiar face may have left the premises. You’d be correct, as the capsized sailboat that has graced the shore for the past couple of weeks was finally salvaged. In contacting the university to see where our friend had gone, we were told it was being turned into a “first-year living community.”

“We’re very excited about this new prospect,” claimed Ryan Matey, head of the renovation project. “It’s such an incredible opportunity for innovation. A top-of-the-line, open-air, first-year living community is the way to the future for this university and will set us apart from our sister UCs. That’s why we’re doing this. Not to compensate for over-enrollment. I don’t know why you’d think that.”

We weren’t thinking that. When asked about these “innovations,” R. Matey gave us quite the astounding list, including open-air bathrooms on the poop deck. 

“Just imagine letting last night’s Freebirds fly as you enjoy the cool ocean breeze on your upper thighs. What could be more pleasant than that? I’ll tell you what. An indoor pool. In the living quarters! Some construction managers might call it ‘waterlogged’ or a ‘sinking ship,’ but we prefer to turn that frown upside down and call it a pool.”

Matey claims the new “living community” will be brought to Coal Oil Point in time for next year’s freshman class. He made sure to tell us that there will be egg chairs on board and stressed again through a nervous sweat that this was not to compensate for over-enrollment. 

It’s a pirate’s life for Chace Duma.