When I first got published, I sent my mom my article. Instead of being excited and proud of me, my mom sent me a list of critiques that will, no doubt, make me a better writer. Step aside, Daily Nexus editors, because my mom is after your job.
1. “Why do you use swear words in your articles? That’s not proper!”
I fucking swear because I’m a fucking adult. I go to school with other adults who also fucking swear. It’s fucking fine.
2. “This is supposed to be a joke, right? Please tell me this is a joke.”
Nope, Nexustentialism is 100 percent real facts. I promise.
3. “Don’t promote drug use and drinking.”
Chill, fam. #partyschoolreaxonly
4. “Stop writing bad articles and do your homework.”
But Mom! Homework is boooooring!
5. “Stop making fun of white people. You’re half white, you should know better.”
This comment is too spicy for me to handle. Do you happen to have water or milk by any chance?
6. “Stay away from raccoons! They’re so dirty!”
Don’t worry, I’m vaccinated against rabies. Plus, they’re so cuddly!
7. Why don’t you take journalism more seriously? It’ll help your job prospects later on.
Me? Getting a job with an English degree? Unrealistic.
8. “Why don’t you ever write about me?”
9. “Try to be more creative. I gave you, like, half of these ideas.”
You really didn’t, but thanks anyways.
10. “Your grammar and sentence structure could be better. You’re an English major, for crying out loud. I don’t pay for you to make spelling mistakes.”
eye hawnehstlee downt no how eye gaht thys fahr. thaynkz 4 payeing 4 mai dehgre. u da behst.
Christina Muoio can’t wait until her mom calls her to complain about this article.