ISLA VISTA, Calif. — A robbery was reported this past Thursday on the 67 block of Del Playa Drive, according to the Isla Vista Police Department.
According to Todd Toddson, an unknown assailant stole his size 11 Sperry’s while he was black-out drunk at a party. Isla Vista Foot Patrol investigated the matter and determined that the perpetrator is none other than Ricky Raccoon, an Isla Vista native.
IVFP was able to locate Mr. Raccoon after a post went viral on UCSB’s Free and For Sale Facebook page. Initially, they were looking for a human perpetrator, but upon coming across a picture of the furry creature wobbling along the streets of DP in shoes too big for him, IVFP decided to take action.
“This isn’t the first time a raccoon has done something like this. A number of shoe thefts have been attributed to the raccoon community, although we aren’t certain as to why raccoons are committing these crimes,” an IVFP spokesperson said in a statement earlier today.
Although elusive, Mr. Raccoon has been arrested and is being held at the Santa Barbara County Jail. His bond is set at $1 trillion.
“It’s what he deserves, you know? He can’t just go around stealing people’s shoes without their consent. It’s just a really shitty thing to do,” Toddson said.
Mr. Raccoon’s trial is set for mid-February. Upon questioning by a very adamant Daily Nexus reporter, Mr. Raccoon said in response to his charges, “aoeirjeowijlksfjadskjweoirucnsiow,” which was translated by Mr. Raccoon’s lawyer.
“My client wishes to inform the press that he is not at all sorry for what he did and that frat boys ‘have it coming to them’,” Mr. Raccoon’s lawyer said. “If we [the racoon community] aren’t allowed to drop it like it’s hot at parties, neither should frat boys.”
If anyone affected by this shoe theft wants their belongings back, they need to visit their local dumpster. Any leftover shoes will be donated to the author of this article, who desperately needs a new pair.
Christina Muoio is a staunch advocate for raccoon rights.