Kenneth Song / Daily Nexus

If you read this headline and it was news to you, that means one thing: You were left behind. The rapture has come, folks, and for the first time in heaven’s infinite sphere, a unanimous decision was made. This decision was to intentionally leave behind all the slow walkers of Earth during the rapture. If you are still on Earth, you’re a damn slow walker.

The good and worthy souls of Earth have been burdened for far too long by slow walkers.

The good and worthy souls of Earth have been burdened for far too long by slow walkers. They’ve really suffered. They have been burdened by the people that walk too slow for you to stay behind them, but a little too fast for you to pass them. They have been burdened by the slow walkers who walk in the middle of the sidewalk so you can’t go around them. And they have been especially burdened by the large groups of extra slow walkers that block the entire path only when they are late for something. God has spoken, and he says “no more.”

We haven’t actually been able to contact God directly about this matter because “there are way more important issues,” said one Archangel Michael, but we have been able to speculate. It is presumed that the slow walkers were mainly left behind because they simply couldn’t walk fast enough to keep up. It is not currently known if they will be allowed into heaven at a later date on the condition they pick up the pace. Local slow walker and student Chip Carnegie says, “I sure hope so.” If you were one of the unfortunate souls who was left behind because you got stuck behind a slow walker during the actual rapture, we wish you luck.

While we wait for an official statement from heaven about the others who have been intentionally left behind, there are some distinct patterns that are emerging. The majority of those left behind are either terrorists, members of the alt-right, drivers who refuse to ever signal, shoppers who block the entire aisle at the grocery store with their cart and people who eat shellfish.

Arthur Maynard is a very fast walker.