Instead of recognizing any cultural significance behind the beautiful names designating each unique street in this community, we’ve relabeled them all for present day accuracy.
Beyoncé Boulevard, Minaj Main Street, Drake Drive: Picasso who? These streets have been renamed to honor artists that students actually care about.
San Francisco Street, Los Angeles Avenue, San Diego Street: No one from California knows where anything out of state is located, so why bother with Spanish cities no one pronounces right anyways? Bonus: fuel the SoCal/NorCal rivalry by giving them their own roads.
Biking Death Zone: If Abrego is I.V.’s crime capital, Pardall is its largest producer of bike accidents and wrecked beach cruisers.
Loop of Shame: Many Isla Vistans have traversed this loop in the wee hours of morning, just trying to make it back in one piece after a long night. Luckily, this route for the weary features many pit stops for munchies to fuel your march home.
Calm before the Storm: The tiny road nestled away with all the proximity to the ocean, but none of the wild party scene/fun.
Turned Too Late/Turned Too Early Lane: Trying to give directions to someone guarantees they’re going to miss your turn off El Colegio. But whatever, they all connect anyways. Who cares, turn where you want to. I’m not your mom.
Pepper Spray Parkway: There are lots of shady corners in this town — some more so than others. Stay safe out there, use the buddy system and maybe arm yourself with a nice pink pepper spray.
Pothole Place: No road is responsible for more misaligned suspension systems than this one. Steer clear if you value your car’s undercarriage or your butt/bike seat.
Drunk People Heights: A more accurate acronym that sounds better when white people pronounce it. Sorry oots, you can’t go out looking for “the dell plaiyah” anymore. And why bother calling it a drive when cars can’t get anywhere around all those people?
Where Are We Way, These All Look the Same Street, Is This DP Yet Drive: Unless you live there, Pasado, Trigo and Sabado might as well be identical. After a late night out on Drunk People, good luck finding your way back.
The shadowy place called 68 block is beyond our borders. You must never go there, gauchos.
FT Dorms: For everyone who still wasn’t sure where they were, we found them out in the middle of nowhere for you.
I.V. Elementary: The last sanctuary of innocence and purity in this beloved trash pile we call home.
Cult Meeting Field: Who really believes this dead patch of nothingness is a “nature reserve?” The non-believers, that’s who.
Friendship Manor: Where every UCSB graduate dreams of spending their retirement.
Jesus Burgers: I’ve heard they don’t appreciate it when people yell “blaze it and praise it,” but you do you.