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A Map of the Various Crime Scenes in Last Night’s Shooting
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Aries
March 21 - April 19
Hire an AI bot to become their personal assistant
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Stash all their books in a locked safe
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
Never write their own email again
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Buy out all the toilet paper from target
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Delete all their negative text messages about AI
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Side with their Snapchat AI bot
Libra
September 23 - October 22
Start posting ads for an AI significant other
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Move to the middle of nowhere
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Smash all computers in close proximity
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Try to befriend AI bots
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Complete purge from technology
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Start calling all of their loved ones
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We are all grateful for the police presence in IV as they surely prevented this disturbed young man from taking even more lives. Thank a policeman today…makes the riots and bottle throwing of a few weeks back trivial and pointless.