Opinion / Satirical Musings

Only the Tips*

Many struggling college students cannot spend their money on magazine subscriptions the way they could in high school. For this reason, many feel lost, without reliable relationship quizzes and sex advice. In an attempt to restore students’ peace of mind, we have gathered some of the best sex tips from some of the most prevalent magazines across the nation and re-printed them here.

1.) Things getting monotonous? Mix it up by getting physical in semi-public places. Try a gas station bathroom, the frozen food department at the grocery store or your now occupied childhood home.

2.) During intercourse, coyly whisper, “Your aura is reminiscent of Steve Buscemi.” Pull up a picture of him on your smartphone if they need clarification.

3.) Pick up pre-sex Taco Bell and take it to go. Eat yours, but hide theirs somewhere in the room. It will create a sense of mystery.

4.) Instead of underwear, fashion a diaper using only leaves of lettuce. They’ll be impressed by your resourcefulness and adventurous spunk. Nutritious, kinky and sustainable. Especially sexy when hooking up with an Environmental Studies major.

5.) Light a candle and let the hot wax drip onto their shoulders as you straddle them from behind. Show your feisty side by ripping open a down pillow and slathering the duck feathers over the wax. Convince them they can use the wings you just fashioned to fly safely from their fifth-story window.*
*Remind your partner to never fly too close to the sun.

6.) Sensually read a few chapters from Great Expectations by Charles Dickens to set the mood. Bonus points if you imitate the spinster Miss Havisham for the rest of the night.

7.) Vague character role play? Boooooring! Put those high school drama classes to use and pretend to be someone you both know, like your brother or their best friend.

8.) For a dark, sultry ambiance, use whipped cream to draw satanic symbols on your body. Let your eyes roll back into your head as they lick it off. Levitate. Speak German. Channel the devil.

9.) Smear their body with frosting and wait until it dries before you lick it off. When their skin breaks out the next day, they’ll think of you.

Risa Weber is not responsible for any Steve Buscemi-related injuries.

*This article is intended to be read purely as satire.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, February 12, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are primarily submitted by students.
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