Local man Shawn Michael remains in critical condition after mistaking a friendly invitation to a kayak excursion for a sexual euphemism. Currently being treated at Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital, he is stable, but frankly, a little bit disappointed.
The confusion began late Friday night, when the UCSB student exchanged numbers with a woman he had met at an Isla Vista party. On Saturday afternoon, he received a text telling him to meet her at Sands Beach, where he could “try out her new kayak,” while wearing “something he wouldn’t mind getting wet.”
In a move that clearly foreshadows the depths to which this faux-pas would go, Michael wore a clean pair of silk boxers for the occasion. “When I got to Sands, she was waiting for me with this enormous, almond-shaped contraption,” Michael said. “I expected that we were going to have intercourse inside that weird love boat thing, but it looked like it was gonna be complicated. Where do my hands go?”
The woman then allegedly lured him out to sea, teasing him with a strange pre-sex ritual involving dipping a paddle repeatedly into the water, a move Michael mistakenly took to be some sort of sexual innuendo. Michael said he attempted to initiate intercourse as they neared the oil rig and began to turn back towards the shore. However, he was swiftly swept into the ocean by one of the woman’s sex-ritual paddles.
Michael was enraged. “I brushed my teeth and showered specifically for this occasion,” he said. “Now I’m all salty.”
After this “burn,” as Michael called it, he refused to get back inside the kayak, and instead had to be rescued by the Coast Guard two hours later.
His kayaking partner (who prefers to remain anonymous) says she is sorry that Michael was harmed. “But really, I don’t know what he expected,” she shrugged.
“Plus,” she adds, “I couldn’t live with myself knowing I did it with a guy who has two first names.”
Risa Weber is a third-year communications major with a minor in Snoop Dogg studies.
*This article is intended to be read purely as satire. Happy April Fool’s Day!