I don’t know what’s going on, but the last two weeks have brought a deluge of questions to my inbox. Usually, I pick the very best ones and answer them with in-depth, meaningful responses, but this time I figured, why not try to answer them all? A voice in my head objected, “But then you’ll only have quick, superficial responses, with half your column taken up by salutations.” Stupid voice, why don’t you stop worrying about work stuff and go back to yelling about my “perverse” relationship with dolphins…
Reader, if you have a question you’ve been meaning to ask for the last several months but have been holding back for some reason, you should probably send it in. There are some six weeks left in the year, and then I’m leaving, moving on to smaller and worse things. Send your queries to email@example.com.
If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be?
I would be a clam, so that I could crawl into my shell and be happy as a clam to never answer another animal personality question again.
I’m nervous approaching women. Do you have any good pick-up lines?
Sure, here’s a favorite of mine. It should be said very sweetly, and it’ll work even if you’re nervous. Go up to the girl and say, “If you were a burger at McDonalds, I’d call you McBeautiful.” Most girls will laugh and take you home and present you with oral sex, but if for some reason you get rejected, grab your crotch and say, “Oh, I guess you don’t like it supersized!” At this point you can run away crying with your dignity intact.
While I’m graduating in June, I still have no idea what I’d like to do with my life. Could you offer me some guidance?
Since you told me nothing about yourself, I can only follow my sense of irony: Become a career counselor.
My girlfriend and I recently broke up, and in the past few weeks I’ve had several “sleepover guests,” so to speak. Everything’s great except the morning after — it’s so awkward! Do I kiss or hug them goodbye? Do I walk them home? Do I call or text them later that day? What’s the protocol on these things?
There is no protocol and it’s universally awkward, so it’s best to do what I do and just mess with them. Tell your bedtime partner, “It’s so weird, but all my dreams last night had to do with babies. I wonder what that means?” Another fun one: When you walk them back to their house, take their hand in yours and say, “Wow, this feels so right.” Then kiss them on the head. Finally, my favorite: If the night ended at your place, when you wake up look around with a frightened look on your face and say, “What the … where are we? Oh my God, this isn’t my house.” And then just run out of there as fast as you can.
What is love?
Baby, don’t hurt me! Love is like oxygen. Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!
Since you’re graduating this year, can I be your replacement?
-A Lot of People
Dear A Lot of People,
I don’t know, can you? Send something funny to Igor@DearIgor.com, then we’ll talk. And it better not be a picture of my face!