I’ve been watching way too much “Nip/Tuck” and it has finally paid off. I’ve translated those countless hours into a column. On Nov. 1, we found three ladies saving their business with a signature product – anti-wrinkle cream with a semen base. Now, this begs the question: do excessive money shots really make you look younger?
The first time I ever heard about a little jizz on the face being great for the complexion was from an unlikely source: Styron’s Sophie’s Choice. Now, I won’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say a young man splooges a little too early right onto the face of that tormented blonde, Sophie. In order to quell his embarrassment, Sophie laughs and tells him she doesn’t mind because her boyfriend always tells her it’s great for her skin. At 15, I was intrigued, but so, so confused.
So now, “Nip/Tuck” sets my wheels turning yet again. These women are actually getting away with bottling semen and selling it as skin-rejuvenating cream to rich old ladies who are tired of their yearly face lifts. It’s brilliant. Almost as genius as Tyler Durden selling rich, fat women their lipo-ed asses back in fancy soaps, but that’s another story for another time.
So, I did my best to check out the organic healing potential of seminal fluid, partly because I’m breaking out and partly because I care about all of your sex lives – and if your partner won’t let you blow your load on his or her face, clearer, younger skin is going to be the bait that hooks them.
The most helpful thing I found was that the proteins, lipids and amino acids in ejaculate actually can make your skin appear younger when you apply it to your face, reducing the appearance of fine lines when it begins to evaporate. However, because semen can’t absorb into your skin, as soon as you run to the bathroom to wash it off, the effect is gone. It turns out that jizz is the cock-tease of the anti-aging cream market.
I read many accounts of women who swear by this au naturel facial, declaring that, without changing their diet or living habits, a little love juice on the face actually cleaned out their pores. But can we believe these ladies? It could quite possibly be the result of the placebo effect. If you’re wary about it to begin with, you may force yourself to believe in the skin-rejuvenating potential of semen so intensely that your complexion could clear up on willpower alone, too.
But let’s give credit where credit is due: The money shot, by itself, is great for a number of reasons. Blowing it on someone’s face is like a change-up pitch – if you’ve been throwing the heat for a while, maybe you should consider hooking the curve ball. Perhaps it has something to do with being the dominant partner and marking your territory, or, less obviously, it’s because you have secret aspirations to be the next Jackson Pollock and the inspiration just hit you. Also, being on the receiving end of the shot can satisfy the secret porn star in everyone and it’s minor kink for beginners. Next step: ball gag and sheep.
A note to the gentlemen: I cannot stress enough the importance of working on your aim. Target practice until you can call your shot like the Babe. If there is one thing that will pre-empt future money-shot prospects, it is your partner taking it in the eye. Once she feels the burn, so to speak, be prepared for some serious backlash. Thus, the money shot transforms itself into a credit shot, meaning you owe her. Never underestimate how vindictive a girl can get after her eye is assaulted with millions of little spermatozoa frantically wriggling around her cornea.
The only way to figure out if a money shot is the answer to your skin woes is to get out there and find out for yourself. After all, we do attend a research university – we might as well live up to the name. In my opinion, if your skin seems a little weathered, what have you got to lose from a free facial? You live in Isla Vista: You do wilder things on Wednesday nights than this.
Have fun playing dermatologist. And don’t forget to bring a towel.
Don’t get Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Anthony started on ball-gagging.