News

Regents Indulge GPAs for a Price

April 1, 2003 by

As its coffers dwindle, the University of California is offering its academic wastrels a chance to repent and earn forgiveness through donations to the Mother University.
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Right Makes Might?

April 1, 2003 by

Republican armies took control of key northwestern trade routes and Islavistingham ale-smuggling corridors Monday, marking the latest pitched battle in a series of armed clashes between political ideo...
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UC Merced May Evict Wee Folkes

April 1, 2003 by

The proposed University of California, Merced should eventually have one of the best animal husbandry programs from here to Gaul, but the region's faerie shrimp, gnomes, nymphs, sprites, pixies and ot...
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Vampire Convention Brings A Blood-Letting Good Time

April 1, 2003 by

TRANSYLVANIA, Romania (AP) -- The centennial International Blood Suckers Union (IBSU) vampire convention was held this past weekend to give the undead from all over Europe the chance to congregate and...
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Mead Fortifies A.S. Resolution

April 1, 2003 by

A.S. representatives officially declared their support for Scotland during a towne hall meeting last night, resulting in the first meeting marked by peace and quiet - the sort of peace and quiet that ...
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Beasts Devour Publicity

April 1, 2003 by

They have returned. After much worry and bad humours of the bile, the Santa Barbara Zoological Garden staff welcomed back their Grendels with great pomp and celebration and reopened the Grendel exhibi...
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Druids Plan Monolithic Memorial

April 1, 2003 by

The Islavistingham Recreation and Park Druids met Monday night to approve and finalize the design for the proposed Stonehenge Park.The park was proposed last May as a monument to soldiers who lost the...
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New Leader To Transmute ITA

April 1, 2003 by

he Institute for Theoretical Alchemy named Sir Steven of Giddinfield as its new director on Monday. Sir Steven will assume his post today with the portentous beginning of a new moon.
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Sheriff To Begin Debtor Smackdowne

April 1, 2003 by

In an effort to improve safety and the Chancellor's reputation for maintaining order, Sheriff of Islavistingham Crist‹o Madeira, pledged Monday to crack down on Knaves and Debtors in the seaside...
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Longe Beache Burns in Hell

April 1, 2003 by

Smoke wedded with the usual lagoon stench this day as a testimony to the demise of the fierce Longe Beache Armada. On the cold black night of yesterday the crew team, in a valiant effort to protect th...
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Research Falls Flat, Earth Too

April 1, 2003 by

Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue. The geographers and cartographers of UCSB Fiefdom recently printed evidence that the Worlde is flat. The paper has been expect...
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God: “Let There Be Paddling”

April 1, 2003 by

On Monday, March 31, literally tens of angry nuns marched through the streets of Islavistingham for UCSB's Purge the Night. A product of the holy mothers and sisters of UCSB Women's Center Nunnery, th...
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Parking Law Sparks Lawsuit

March 31, 2003 by

A lawsuit filed by a group of advocates for the homeless aims to repeal a law that prohibits parking large vehicles on the streets of Santa Barbara.
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Local Student Incurs Injury in DP Attack

March 31, 2003 by

A Santa Barbara City College student suffered head injuries in an apparently unprovoked attack early Friday morning on Del Playa Drive. Ian Gililland, 20, was admitted to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospita...
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Oil, Gas Leases Face Deadlines

March 31, 2003 by

Representatives from Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo and Ventura counties, along with eight environmental agencies, requested strict deadlines to be imposed on 36 offshore oil and gas leases that were ...
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