Think YOU can spot all the Zebras inside this titillating collection of journalistic wonderment — more commonly known as the Opinion section? Well if you CAN, then you JUST might be clever enough to come write for us!

We here at the Daily Nexus value our opinions with as much gusto and passion as Sarah Palin does her right to kill a moose. Really, if it were not for a few trivial journalistic rules and principles, this glorious part of the paper would be properly named the Fact section. Alas, this is not the case. Yet, despite our unquestionable level of journalistic wizardry we simply lack the time and manpower to make this section come to life on our own. This is where YOU come in to play! You see, for every column one of our brilliant staff writers develops, there could be two or three more of yours ready to cozy on up next to it. So do us a favor and send us some opinions of your own. Who knows, you might just get that same eternally satisfying, post-coital feeling we get each time we see our words hit the newsstand. And if you like it enough, maybe you’ll think of joining our staff and earning a few bucks (see p. 4A). What?! We get paid for this?! Crazy I know. Crazy tempting! Ha ha ha – oh man, I should stop soon.

Be it an angst-filled letter to the editor or a column praising the ingenuous ability of Isla Vista residents to burn couches with grace, we want it. If you’ve got something on your mind, save your roommate or mom the time and tell us! Just remember to follow the rules: Letters to the editor must be no more than 300 words long, while columns should be 700 words. Got that? Good.

Just as everyone’s favorite killer whale, Willy, soared to freedom in the late-’90s, you too can unleash your inner orca — sans Michael Jackson accompaniment — and shower the world with your opinions. Could there possibly be a better way to honor your freedom of speech? If you can’t write in for us, do it for our founding fathers. And by God, if you can’t do it for Thomas-fucking-Jefferson, then there is no hope.