From Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” to Netflix’s newest romcom “People We Meet on Vacation,” romance has always been a hot topic of conversation in mainstream media and our society at large. It seems you can’t go one family dinner without a relative asking, “So are you seeing anybody yet?”
Nowadays, not only are romance stories in demand, but with the rise of social media, the psychology behind relationships has piqued the interest of single and taken users alike. In particular, social media has brought more attention to the different types of attachment styles present in romantic relationships, with videos and posts attempting to answer our many questions about why some relationships work and why others appear doomed.
But where do these attachment styles originate? Are you just born with a certain attachment style or does your attachment depend on your lived experiences and upbringing?
Let’s first clarify what an attachment style is. An attachment style is characterized by a set of behaviors that emerge in a relationship, often based on a person’s sense of self and how they anticipate the other person to behave. Generally speaking, there are three main types of attachment styles: secure, avoidant and anxious.
Those with secure attachment can easily form close relationships with others and find themselves comfortable with being emotionally intimate with another person, trusting that their partner will reciprocate that same desire for closeness. On the contrary, those with an avoidant attachment are uncomfortable with close relationships as they find it difficult to depend on others. They prefer to be independent, employing distancing behaviors as a defense mechanism and a way to maintain that independence. Lastly, those with anxious attachment have a deep desire for emotionally intimate relationships but fear that others will reject the level of intimacy that they want. Due to this, their actions in a relationship commonly center around obtaining reassurance and validation from their partner, which in turn causes them to feel dependent on their partner and often put them on a pedestal.
Psychologists have found a correlation between these attachment styles present in romantic relationships and the attachment styles of infants with their parents. John Bowlby, a British psychologist, published the Theory of Attachment in the 1960s, proposing that the attachment style of a child depends on how responsive they perceive their parent to be; if they perceive their parent to be unavailable to them, the child’s behaviors will center around increasing the proximity to their parent.
His theory was further supported by an experiment called the “Strange Situation,” run by his colleague Mary Ainsworth. The experiment studied how children react to a parent’s absence and return. The researchers found that securely attached children were distressed when their caregiver left but easily accepted their parent’s comfort when they returned. However, some children in the experiment exhibited insecurely attached behavior, which psychologists classify into two categories: insecure-ambivalent and insecure-avoidant. Children with ambivalent attachment were inconsolable when the parent left, and upon the parent’s return, they simultaneously sought assurance and rejected the caregiver out of anger. Meanwhile, the children with an avoidant attachment style demonstrated no reaction to the parent leaving and even ignored their parent during their reunion.
Psychologists have found that attachment style correlates with the parent-child relationship at home — specifically the relationship between the temperament of the child and the responsiveness of the parent. Children who had secure attachment were likely to have parents who were highly attentive to their child’s needs, while insecurely attached children had parents who were not as attentive.
The attachment styles of infants have also been discovered to affect their expectations of how their caregiver would act. Another study revealed that children with secure attachment tend to expect a parent figure to return after separation, while children with insecure attachment are generally surprised by a scenario where a caregiver returns.
More recent research suggests some similarities in how childhood attachment and adult attachment function in interpersonal relationships. For example, we tend to look for similar qualities that a caregiver would have in a potential partner; traits an ideal caregiver would possess such as attentiveness, warmth and patience are all generally desired in a romantic relationship.
Relationships in which both partners are securely attached tend to be healthier, more fulfilling and longer lasting than relationships where one or both partners are insecurely attached. This finding is in line with other studies showing that securely attached children tend to be more successful in socializing and making connections with their peers than insecurely attached children.
As such, many psychological studies have suggested a correlation between the development of infant attachment and the later development of adult attachment styles. However, even though the attachment style of an adult seems to be in part formed in childhood, attachment styles are not fixed and can be worked through in a relationship. Doing simple activities with your partner such as holding hands, answering questions about each other and even taking time to reflect on your partner’s good qualities can improve satisfaction in the relationship, build trust and increase comfort with emotional intimacy.
For any readers reflecting on their relationships and contemplating whether they have an insecure attachment style, not all hope is lost. Whether you’re spending this Valentine’s Day single, in a relationship or something in between, knowing your attachment style and where it may stem from is the first step toward navigating love, romance and a quite polarizing holiday.
