The rise in usage of Ozempic and other GLP-1 medications to curb appetite and lose weight has led to an unprecedented decrease in meals consumed across not only the elites, but in the greater food-eating population at large. 

This has been seen as an attack on “eater-culture” as food enjoyers worldwide have reported fellow ”eaters” suddenly dropping off the map and subsequently dropping out of their local foodie festivities, leaving farmer’s markets and state fairs ghost towns.

As a reaction to this growing epidemic of denied gluttony, UC Santa Barbara’s new food-first club “GLP-None” has risen with the bold claim: “Don’t eat to live, LIVE to EAT!”. The club proudly hosts catered buffets, pro-consumption seminars, and even support groups for so-called “GLP defectors” who are trying to shift back to a lifestyle that once again includes menus. 

Bringing back those who have lost their eating ways is the club’s priority since many started Ozempic to indulge their gourmet desires before finding it only enhanced their ability to push food around the plate. Meanwhile those who once would forget to eat all day, now would forget to eat at all.

GLP-None’s Queer Correspondent, Alfredo Fromage, a second year Art History major, addressed the intersectionality of this issue.

“We’ve seen so many users change so dramatically that they tragically shifted out of their own tribe within the community. My own partner has gone from a classic proud and burly bear down to a skinny slinky medium-sized otter. If he drops down to twink, I … I don’t know what I’ll do,” Fromage said.

Despite hearing similar sorrowful stories across the support groups, the growing power, prevalence and sheer weight of the “GLP-None” club shows hope for the future of eaters across the globe.

Although the fight against Ozempic is far from over, this bold new group offers support, a good slice of pie, and the simple recurring request of “Please, eat”.

Barbara Broccoli is instead eating a DLG ton