Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus
Internship recruiting and the summer job search are in full swing, and you might be wondering how to make the job yours. Never fear, the ultimate guide to interviewing is here at the tip of your fingers, complete with 10 tried and true methods.
1. Be late
Don’t be such an eager beaver. If men are any indication, the more you show your desire, the less likely you are to get what you want. Keep the interviewers waiting, anticipating your arrival, and don’t apologize. Let them wonder what you have going on in your life, and let them imagine what their lives will be like if you join the company.
2. Dress casually
What’s with companies asking for business formal dress? I say show up in your most casual state, to show your future employers what they’ll really be getting. If they don’t want you in your most natural form, they don’t want you at all.
3. Ask what the company can do for YOU
Forget trying to explain what you can do for the company, it’s high time you start asking what’s in it for YOU. At the end of the day, this is the job that you will be spending a significant part of your life doing, so you need to make sure it’s the right fit. If they don’t accommodate your two-hour lunch break or understand the need for a mental health cigarette break in the office, you don’t need to waste your time.
4. Pick up that phone call
Nothing will make employers want you more than knowing other people want you, too. Picking up a phone call in the middle of the interview will show them that you are an individual in high demand, and will encourage them to hire you right in the moment.
5. Use ChatGPT
With today’s modern technology, there’s no reason why you should be stumped by a question in an interview. Instead, just whip out your phone or computer and pull up ChatGPT, which we all know is bookmarked anyway. Ask Chat why you want the job, what some of your passions are or what you’re looking for in the role you’re pursuing. Employers will love watching you navigate such a complex technological platform, and they will appreciate your ability to outsource help.
6. Bring your childhood stuffed animal
Let’s be real, interviews can be scary and it can be hard to focus when your legs are shaking and your palms are sweaty. But, if you bring your comfort stuffed animal, you’ll be able to control your emotions and give the interview your full effort. Just place your teddy bear on the desk, or better yet, in a chair next to you, and let your childhood friend watch you adult.
7. Fake a medical emergency
Worried the interview is getting away from you? Bring attention back to you by pretending to have an emergency. Pity points are definitely going to get you far with the interviewers, and are a great way to ensure any bad answer is forgotten.
8. Talk about “Heated Rivalry”
Interviews can be so serious for no reason! The interviewers are people, too. And all people ever have watched “Heated Rivalry.” Instead of talking, calculating the market size of disposable diapers or analyzing market trends, ask the interviewer whether they prefer the sensual tones of a Canadian bottom or the guttural yet tender growls of a Russian top.
9. Trauma dump
Similar to the pity points gained from the fake medical emergency, trauma dumping is a sure way to get the interviewers on your side. Not only will they know you are resilient and able to withstand the trials of life, they’ll feel totally guilty about not giving you the job. There’s no shame in knowing that you were hired solely because you’re completely unstable.
10. Phone a friend
If you’re confused, feeling stupid or even hungover, just phone a friend. ChatGPT can’t be there for you all the time, but your friends can. If the interviewer asks for life experiences or about the time you’ve overcome a challenge, call your friend and have them describe the time you single-handedly dragged her drunken body from Del Playa Drive back to San Miguel Residence Hall. The employers will be convinced your character is a perfect fit for their company.
Serrano Ham loves to help!
