Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus
A sinister feel has settled over UC Santa Barbara, making chills run down the student body’s back despite the 80-degree weather. Everywhere, faces are falling as the dreaded notification pops up on students’ phones, letting them know that a new grade now sits in their class’s Canvas page.
A new poll given to students waiting in the De La Guerra lunch line revealed that 67% of the student body views impending midterm grades as being scarier than “the threat of Chancellor Yang running them over in Isla Vista, the thought that the Storke Tower bells will never stop ringing and the bike paths during the 2 p.m. rush combined.”
Following the release of the first wave of midterm grades, survivors have gathered together to mourn their GPAs, finding solace in remembering their experiences. Thiago Montoya, a fifth-year home economics major, commented.
“When I looked at my grade, I got the biggest jump scare of my literal life. Like, it was unmatched by anything created by the entire horror movie industry,” Montoya said.
While many students have been suffering from the scares of midterms, other students have been focusing entirely on studying for their upcoming exams, sometimes to the point of complete cluelessness. Chrissy Wakeup, a third-year doomscrolling major, also commented.
“This whole time, I’ve been thinking that these Halloween decorations were just a visual representation of my GPA decomposing before my eyes,” Wakeup said.
Indeed, it appears that the approach of Halloween has been greatly overshadowed by the grim news imparted by Canvas. All over campus, the faint echoes of shrill screams and the ghost-like figures of students studying for eight hours straight have been a haunting indicator of the real spooky season. An anonymous user on YikYak, under the username milkyman61, provided some insight into the current mood of campus.
“Wtf. I was just trying to take a shit when someone did one of those screams you only hear in movies. They got a 13% on their midterm, which like, valid reaction, but also, why are you even checking that on the crapper. I exclusively check my grades when I am next to some tissues and my situationship is making me hot chocolate.”
When asked if the university is going to address the emotional toil and fear that has overtaken the school, a representative only said, “We encourage students to take advantage of the resources offered here on campus, practice good studying habits and refrain from checking Canvas after 11 p.m. Also, please stop calling Canvas ‘university-sanctioned psychological waterboarding.’”
Serrano Ham has also screamed after checking Canvas while on the toilet.
