Nick Throgmorton/Daily Nexus

With college tuition and Isla Vista rent rising every quarter, the need for money is at an all-time high. Luckily, I’m here to help. Here are five foolproof ways to make a quick buck at UC Santa Barbara.

1. Become a mewling Arbor street beggar

Follow in the footsteps of the California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG)’s, a non-profit student organization that advocates for public interest in defending the environment,  wise business model—the art of public begging. The hustle is actually quite simple: camp out by the Arbor and emotionally assault innocent pedestrians with weaponized trauma-dumping until they cough up $5. Honestly, you’ll still probably have a better experience here than at Counseling & Psychological Services (C.A.P.S.), plus you’ll get paid.

2. Charge money to get into your shitty house party

Live on Del Playa Drive? Congratulations, you’re sitting on a gold mine. Slap some $10 wristbands on a dozen drunk freshmen and let them into your mold-infested living room. Doesn’t matter if your booze is just Kirkland Signature vodka and Capri-Suns, they’ll be stupid enough to Venmo you anyway. Just be sure to capitalize on this one early in the year before they realize that there’s a dozen other free parties in IV.

3. Liberate bikes and resell them

Ah, UCSB’s sacred tradition: you lose your bike to some dirty crook, so you, the poor victim, are forced to borrow someone else’s, and the vicious cycle goes on and on. But wait a second, why stop at just one? You might as well liberate 10 bikes, or even 20 or 30 while you’re at it. After all, these bikes are probably stolen too, it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong. Then, just flip them on Craigslist, and boom — you’re now a budding entrepreneur versed in online marketing.

4. Start a Delaware C corp tech startup, propagated by cheap student labor, franchised across multiple UC campuses

Super duper easy: First, incorporate in Delaware to benefit from investor-preferred corporate laws, whip up a 70-page cap table and recruit a squad of bright-eyed computer science majors to build the next Facebook. MVP. Entice angel investors. Then, Zuckerberg them, slowly diluting their equity stakes until you’re the visionary founder with 90% control and they’re just a nobody loser. After that, it’s smooth sailing, just franchise the whole thing across UC campuses using a synergistic, hyper-scalable business model.

5. Borrow from your roommate (and never repay them)

The classic. Forget your wallet at lunch, borrow items from them never to be returned or honestly, straight up stiff them on rent and make them pay the whole thing. California eviction laws are a doozy after all.

And that’s your genius guide to becoming rich at UCSB. The grind never stops unless your bike gets stolen.

The Gentle Giant is busy building a stolen bike empire.