Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus
It happens like clockwork: as soon as decisions are released and commitments are made, they come in droves. The word is bitter on the tongue and makes the mouth twist with disgust. Freshmen.
They flood the campus with their greenness, their shining, eager-beaver eyes blinding the old and the weary who toil under the pressures of getting jobs and accepting their impending adulthood. But before their locust-like invasion, they infect the Reddit threads and blow up the Google Search trends with insipid questions like “What UCSB residence hall is the best?” and “How do I get into the business frat?” Prepare yourself UC Santa Barbara, the freshmen are coming.
Obviously, any second, third or fourth year must’ve gone through the same anxious cycle of questions and growth period, but of course, we can’t remember such an embarrassing time in our lives.
“I definitely skipped that part of college,” rising ninth-year medieval studies major Keifer Milk said. “It’s kind of sickening how young they are. Like, you still have a mom and dad? What even is that?”
“Yeah, I was never a freshman,” Brock Crasher, a rising fourth-year beer pong major, made sure to point out. “I was always just a man, y’knaw?”
UCSB students and alums who posted YouTube videos about their dorm rooms and daily lives are surely seeing an uptick in their view count as the newest generation of incoming freshmen try and glean what their first year is going to be like. Savannah Hollister, an aspiring influencer from the class of ‘13, commented on the beginning of freshman season.
“I always get the same comments on my video asking ‘How do I get into Anacapa?’ and ‘What’s the rush process like?’ and I just have to be honest with them, like you’re definitely not pretty enough to get into anything so keep dreaming. But I loved the sisterhood I found at SB, and everyone was so nice, so it’ll be the best experience ever!” Hollister said.
While certain information seems pretty obvious to us seasoned UCSB-ers (Carrillo’s the best, duh), we were once part of the masses panicking about forming room groups and counting down the days until our housing assignment. But, some people are convinced there is something wrong with this new group of incoming students.
Academic advisors and staff at Freshman Orientation (this is a reminder to check in with your orientation group that you’ve not talked to since that summer) are beginning to lose it, their patience and sanity are being tested by tiger parents and gormless freshmen.
Cooper Knowles, a rising fourth-year geology major and current summer orientation staff member, commented.
“I don’t think I ever thought it was this serious. People are coming up to me with such panic in their eyes, asking about classes and competitiveness. Like, hello? This is UCSB, we’re neighbors with the beach, and the sun’s always shining. Chill is the name of the game,” said Knowles.
Aleshia Stuart, an academic advisor about to start her twenty-ninth year at UCSB, added to the discussion about this new group of students. “‘‘How much do people actually party?’ ‘Is it easy to get into clubs and extracurriculars?’ First of all, parents, get off Reddit and land your helicopter, and second, figure it out yourself! Y’all snowflakes want all this information beforehand. In my generation, we just showed up with our work ethic and figured it out ourselves.”
Some tenacious freshmen (or parents who already have their student’s UCSB login and Duo Push available) have reached out to the Associated Students with questions about the competitiveness of the student government and how many presidential positions are available.
They also asked about the process of impeachment, upon being informed that all positions were filled. Perhaps all the question asking and naivety is a ploy, and these new freshmen are waiting for us to lower our guard. Stay strong out there UCSB, there are sharks circling in the water and they seem to be coming for some blood!
Serrano Ham can’t remember a single thing about freshman year except a serious bout of frat flu.
