By this time of the year, all you degenerates have already skipped at least one or two lectures. And if you say you haven’t, then you’re a liar and a degenerate. Skipping a lecture is an art form, it can either be a blatant “FU” to your professor, or as unintentional as an alarm not going off. But, regardless of how you miss your lecture, there can only be one best way. Let’s talk about it.
- We have the simple, “Can you send me the attendance code?” or “Can you iClick me in?” This, of course, is assuming you have fostered relationships that are intimate enough for your friends to accept your slacking behavior and carry the weight of your participation grade on their back. Doubtful, but possible.
- Then there is the doppelganger: find someone who, miraculously, likes you enough, looks enough like you and is nerdy enough to attend your lectures on top of theirs, helping you live a life of deception and farce. More complicated, more unlikely.
- Next we have the trusty “dead relative,” who, thanks to the quarter system, can be reused up to four times a year. Grandma, auntie, uncle, sister … uh sure, why not? Throw them all into the gauntlet. It’s for a good cause. Not only is this a valid excuse, but you might get pity points as well, which is an added bonus. But, if you believe in manifesting things, not the best vibes to be sending out in the universe. And also, keeping track of which relatives die may require a spreadsheet and a PSTATs class.
- This brings us to the conclusion that the best way to skip a lecture is, in fact, to just not go. Make them wonder where you are, if you’re okay, why you stopped talking to them. Nothing’s more poetic than the professor wistfully saying, “Wow, there’s not a lot of you here today.” Actually, that’s a lie. It’s more poetic when you don’t hear them say that, but know from the comfort of your bed that they were wishing you were there.
So, UCSB, as the sun shines on the cusp of another beautiful summer, spend this time plotting for more ways to waste your tuition and chase the thrill you get from looking at the clock and saying to yourself: “I would’ve been in lecture right now.”
Serrano Ham pinky promises that she has an impeccable attendance record (or maybe it’s been Iberico Ham in her stead all along).
