A constant in the life of a residential UCSB student is the ever-present fear of fire alarms going off at any hour, day or night. You have not truly lived in the dorms until you have been on the lawn in just a towel due a poorly timed shower trip.

The question remains: How do we most effectively trigger this UCSB cultural cornerstone?

In general, these alarms are usually caused by students smoking with a variety of methods from Puffco to “penjamin,” but if you really want to get that alarm going, there is no better solution than an aerosol flamethrower.

It’s so simple. Grab your frat friend’s leftover AXE body spray and any lighter you’re okay with destroying. Then it’s time to let it rip. The full coverage and intensity of the flames from an aerosol flamethrower are sure to not only trigger your fire alarm, but also create actual flames that will persist long enough until the hottest firefighters of your dreams arrive on the scene. With this technique, you ensure that no one is getting back into that building for at least 20 minutes, which will leave you with enough time to enjoy the chaos you’ve created.

Now, whenever you need to empty the building or interrupt a roommate’s shower plans, you know what to spray.

Jesse Joint is not to be trusted.