Christy Yu / Daily Nexus

The following totally 100% true advice is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please blaze responsibly. If you want to sesh, please send inquiries to opinion@dailynexus.com

I was in a 29 person rotation at a band show last weekend. To rid myself of that nightmare, what is your dream blunt rotation?

The camaraderie of stoners is a blessing and a curse. There’s something to be said about the universality of the “let’s go on a walk” nod, whether you’re at a frat party or family reunion. Weed for one, weed for all. Sometimes that means you have to entertain wheezing hacks of “Some Guy,” but you can also talk sativa strains with the sexy classmate that you invited out on a whim. 

To answer your question, Twenty-Nine, my dream blunt rotation includes Chancellor Yang, the raccoon that terrorizes my apartment complex’s dumpster, my TA who cancelled section in honor of 4/20 and my favorite dogs (including Snoop and Shaggy). That being said, don’t be afraid to say “no.” It’s not being stingy; it’s being economical. And if you see a random stranger light up, maybe don’t cut into their circle unless they offer. While sharing is caring, smoking with friends is a cut above. 

I’ve never done weed before. I got really hungry, and I accidentally started popping edibles like Welch’s fruit snacks. I no longer have bones, the shadows are moving and I’m speech-to-text typing this on my smart fridge. What’s happening to me? Please help. 

First of all, which apartment full of bullshit upgrades to inflate rent are you living in? And can my seven friends crash with you? Their former living space is a total sweep. 

Unfortunately, you can’t munch your way to salvation — well, maybe, but we can revisit that point later.

First-timer, you experienced something called the munchies, perhaps combined with a tinge of greening out. Unfortunately, you can’t munch your way to salvation — well, maybe, but we can revisit that point later. The only way out is through it. Now, if you don’t have bones, and especially if you are nauseous or dizzy, the safest option is to stay put. I promise you, the shadows aren’t moving by themselves. 

Drink some water, sleep for a few hours, and you’ll be right as rain. Next time, hide the gummies before they kick in. I suggest somewhere up high, because my high self thinks the top of my not-smart fridge is K-2. If you feel like you’re falling backwards into the void, take some deep breaths and remember that this isn’t real — it’s just drugs! 

I am what some may call an herb connoisseur. I grind ounces upon ounces of herbs, preparing and testing everything from gels to infusions, marinades and vapors. I’m in the market for a new grinder. Do you have any recommendations? Of course, I am purely referencing gastronomical pursuits. 

Sure you are. So am I. 

Although I know you use the rusty grinder that your ex’s roommate left behind that one time in culinary school, it might be time to join the big leagues. A multi-chamber metal grinder with extra-sharp blades might seem like overkill, but it helps prepare herbs without the hassle, making the farm-to-table process easier than before. Using a quality grinder helps get the maximum impact from your herbs. Practiced chefs like you know that the fine herb powder packs an extra punch when added to any bowls or rolls. 

That being said, whatever gets the job done gets the job done. I’ve been known to break out the mortar and pestle in a pinch. 

AJ, be honest, can this newspaper double as rolling papers?

Who am I to determine what can or can’t be? My intoxicated expeditions have led me to discover the vastness of the — sorry, off I go again. This anonymous, disembodied advice columnist gets paid the big bucks to help out you boneless bunch. Don’t get me wrong, I would provide advice out of the goodness of my heart, but AJ stands for “another joint,” and I have to live up to my namesake. Back to business.

If there exists a universe in which Michelle Yeoh has hot dogs as fingers, one in which Amazon two-day shipping to I.V. takes three to four days, one in which Kylie Jenner and Pete Davidson are dating and one in which UCSB has an independent, student-run newspaper, then there certainly is a universe in which people can use the fourteenth page of said newspaper as rolling papers. Of course there’s the possibility that all of these universes are one and the same … and you know what they say: there’s no better way to say, “I made it, ma!” than reaffirming the free press and doing some arts and crafts. 

A version of this article appeared on p. 16 of the April 20, 2023 print edition of the Daily Nexus.

AJ

AJ is the advice guru of the Daily Nexus. Multiple writers contribute to Ask AJ. If you know who they are, keep it to yourself. Remember, snitches get stitches.