Christy Yu / Daily Nexus

I am a first-year student, and I haven’t been around other people for three years. When my professor asked me a question in class, I started grunting, jumped on my desk and howled at the ceiling tiles. How can I prevent my class from thinking of me as ‘the werewolf’ this quarter?

You can’t. Transformation isn’t all fun, fur and flibbertigibbets; it’s all about cognitively reframing a situation for yourself. Instead of feeling like a lupine loser (aka Jacob Black from the hit series “Twilight” featuring intense Mormon overtones), celebrate being free from the shackles of society. 

Have you always wanted to nefariously twirl your mustache? Grow out your mustache and twirl away. Always looking for an excuse to leave boring social events early? Leave because you’re overdue on performing the moon rites that will prevent you from becoming a werewolf for the rest of eternity. Your latest hookup comments on the pile of dirty clothes on your floor? Just … actually, please, that’s gross. Do your laundry.

I digress, dear reader. I promise that nobody cares. Your classroom is filled with people who think that others think that they are werewolves or vampires or too tall or too short or whatever. Whew, that was a tongue twister. If that was an 8 a.m., I guarantee you that everybody was half-asleep or still drunk from the night before. Be your werewolf self, inside and out. Go forth into the moonlight and breathe easy.

AJ, a guy in my class named Kurtt — yes, with two t’s — told me the best way to study for midterms and prevent illness is to rinse my sinuses with a mixture of crushed Adderall, Red Bull and Bluephoria Yerba Mate. I don’t like Red Bull, what should I use instead?

Never listen to a man named Kurtt. In fact, make Kurtt your enemy. It is now your personal vendetta to do better on this Godforsaken midterm than this absolute loser. 

Now listen up: Kurtt chugs a mixture of Adderall, Red Bull and Bluephoria to ensure success? Fine. Brew a concoction of Sparkling Orange Celsius, mashed multivitamin gummies and one (1) packet of Super Orange Emergen-C. Chant over it like the witches in Macbeth and consume. There is now enough vitamin C in you to build an entirely new immune system and power a small battery at the same time. You’re unstoppable now. Kurtt is going down. 

I have three midterms for my chemistry class. How are there three midpoints in the quarter? There is only one middle. I don’t understand. My eyes are unfocused. Food is losing taste. I —

Girl, go to bed. Also, get tested for COVID-19.

Girl, go to bed. Also, get tested for COVID-19.

I’ve been high on mushrooms in the woods for the past two weeks and haven’t attended any of my classes. Apparently, I have a midterm on Monday. Is there any way I can turn it around? Do I succumb to the mushrooms?

Depending on what class you’ve been consistently missing, there is a good chance that you may in fact be learning more high out of your mind in the woods than you would be snoozing through lecture. My advice would be to embrace the consequences of the hours spent traipsing through trees and use what you’ve learned. Show up to your midterm high, enlightened and in sweatpants on Monday morning and put that newly gleaned knowledge to use.

Question about the archaeological history of Santa Barbara? Write about that one time you stumbled across what you think was a cemetery on a particularly bad trip. Need to identify and label the anatomy of Lepidoptera? Easy money, just talk about that time a butterfly flitting past blew your high little mind. Tricky math problem? Nothing could be more mathematical than the golden ratio of nature. You already have what you need to answer any question on that midterm without spending a single second in class. They may not be the answers your professor is looking for, but you still get some credit for writing your name right?  

AJ, help me. How late is too late to ask for an extension on my midterm paper? It’s due in three hours and I have 200 words on my Google Doc. Please respond to this faster than my TA. 

Neither your TA nor I want to respond to emails past 5 p.m. That being said, I’m currently riding the Celsius, multivitamin and Emergen-C wave (I’m so dedicated to my readers that I test all my recipes), so I’ll craft a response before everything goes dark. 

Three hours is more than enough time to make some magic. Literally just start typing words, even if you don’t know exactly what you want to say. Make an outline with bullet points and go to town. Trick your brain into thinking you’re just making a really long grocery list … about Renaissance architectural development or ethnic politics, or whatever your paper is about. Sometimes turning something in is better than not turning it in at all. That being said, if you are seriously and utterly nonfunctional, explain the situation truthfully and write it as soon as you can. 

Now if you read this before your TA responds to your email, you owe me a crate of Celsius and four boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. 

AJ, should I take any of your advice seriously?

Probably not. I’m an anonymous stranger on the internet, after all.


AJ is the advice guru of the Daily Nexus. Multiple writers contribute to Ask AJ. If you know who they are, keep it to yourself. Remember, snitches get stitches.