Hey, AJ! What’s a good beach-day outfit?
Hello Sexy Reader,
Personally, a staple in my summer wardrobe has been my XXL second-hand tie dye “It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere in Hawaii” shirt that looks as garish as it sounds. Pair that with some light-wash jorts and I believe you have an authentic 2008 father-at-an-aquarium outfit! Bonus points if you have a fanny pack from pre-recession days. Never fails to turn some heads!
However, if terrible fashion choices aren’t exactly your thing, I think the next best option for summer beachwear is your pajamas. There’s something distinctly terrible but intriguing about walking around on the beach in your long cotton pants and stained, oversized “Relay For Life” T-Shirt that you got from your high school’s Interact Club in 2018. Bonus points if you’ve just pulled an all-nighter and are visibly miserable. Or maybe I’m just describing Ben Affleck.
Sustainable and sexy!
AJ … I have a deep, dark secret. I’m terrified of showing people my toes, but I really want to go to the beach and stick them in the sand. What do I do?
Well, friend, I think there’s really only one option here. Get a couple buckets of sand and fill up your bathtub. Voilà! A personal beach inside the comfort of your own home! You even have your own water source!
But I’d hate to leave you so vulnerable after confessing to me something like this! To show you that I am grateful that you’ve opened up to me like this, I’ll tell you a deep, dark secret about myself too.
For an embarrassingly long time (won’t specify my age, not out of privacy issues but because I’m absolutely certain the Council of UCSB Acceptors will revoke my acceptance from this school if they know how old I was when I found this out), I had no idea that Vermont was a state in the U.S. I genuinely thought it was some random city in Europe, and the only reason I found out it was a state was because my friend and I were playing the states game on a long road trip (our personal best was 48, always forgot some of the M or W states) and we saw it on a Wikipedia list. Similarly, I did not know there was a difference between Denmark and Denver until I watched a “Good Luck Charlie” episode that revealed it was set in Denver and thought to myself at the moment — Hm, weird that they live in a European country but speak perfect English and sound so American!
Now that you think about it, doesn’t the public education system seem scarier than exposing your toes to strangers?
I hate to admit it, but I really enjoy the taste of Banana Boat sunscreen. There’s just something about the fruity aroma and greasy texture that really grinds my gears. I don’t have a question, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Love your column!
Dearest Question Asker,
I am SO glad that my column could be your confession box — I’ve always wanted to do one of those, except I’m not Catholic and there are some sins that I believe should be taken to the grave. In fact, you didn’t ask, but there was once a time in my life when I thought I might join a convent. If you’ve ever held a conversation with me, you’d understand just how absurd that is (not that nunneries are absurd — actually quite the contrary, no absurdity allowed in the eyes of God, I guess), but I swore to myself in junior year of high school that I was going to learn the Hail Mary in Latin and run away to become a nun. Never ended up happening, and I’ve decided since then that my enlightening presence was needed elsewhere. The English department at UCSB, evidently.
Anyway, if anyone ever gives you any trouble for enjoying your Banana Boat sunscreen, just know that I would defend you with my life. Tu weird habits es mi weird habits, comrade. Keep munching on that sunscreen, lieutenant, that’s an order!
I’m a Taurus, so I made a raft out of yerba mate cans, as instructed by last week’s horoscopes. Anyway, I’m currently stuck in the middle of the ocean with no water and two bars of cell reception. Can you send someone to find me? Any survival tips would be much appreciated. (:
Hello Beautiful Reader,
Why don’t you take this time being stranded out at sea to appreciate the bigger things in life? Not only do you have a beautiful raft and an amazing view, you’re far from the suffocating clutches of capitalism. From one earth sign to another, I think this little vacation ought to do you some good. Maybe you can train a seagull to retrieve fish for you — sushi AND a lifelong companion. You’ve got it good, my friend. Enjoy it before Jeff Bezos monopolizes the ocean floor.
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