Hi, AJ! I met this great guy on Tinder, but I’m not sure when to take the plunge and ask him out. I don’t want to wait too long, but I also don’t want to seem overeager. How soon is too soon to ask out a Tinder date? -Tinderella
In my professional, non-conforming, non-Tinder-using opinion, it’s never too soon! The “culture” of college relationships that shames anyone who doesn’t wait at least 10 minutes to respond to a text needs to be canceled. I hate the idea that if you text back “too soon” that translates to you being needy or clingy and that there is a timeline put in place for when you can take steps in a relationship. That being said, each relationship is different. Definitely try to get an idea of how the other person is feeling, but don’t wait to be straightforward about how you feel. Every relationship takes some level of vulnerability to be successful. If the feelings are mutual, why wait?
Help! I got ghosted, and I’m still super bummed about it. How do I get over it? -Seeking Casper
Regardless of how a relationship ended, it is always difficult to get over someone you have been intimately involved with. That being said, moving on will take time; however, I think the most important thing for you to know is that when someone ghosts they are being careless and actively choosing to disregard your emotions. People who ghost are normally trying to avoid their own emotional discomfort, but in doing so they have selfishly neglected to think about the other person involved. Unless you have very explicitly given them some reason to stop all forms of communication with you, there is no justification for ghosting. Keep in mind that you deserve better, and someone who does care about you (someone worth being with) will communicate their feelings to you regardless of what they are.
I’m unhappy in my current relationship, and I know it needs to end, but Valentine’s Day is coming up. Is it better to break up before or after? -V Stressed for V-Day
I think if you are certain you want to break up with your significant other, it’s better to have the conversation earlier. Breakups are usually never without hurt, but spending Valentine’s Day together as if you were happy and then breaking up immediately following Valentine’s Day is confusing and could potentially lead to more pain in the end. On the other hand, if you are still considering breaking up with your S.O. but you’re not certain, I would say wait until after Valentine’s Day to express how you’ve been feeling and give your partner the opportunity to have a conversation.
Remember — there are healthy, respectful, caring ways to go through a breakup with a partner, but it does require some active thinking.
I accidentally hooked up with the same person as my friend … How do I navigate this situation? -Copycat Catie
You should probably take advantage of this pristine opportunity to have a threesome. However, if that’s not your style at the moment, you should first try to evaluate the situation: Is your friend still hooking up with this person? Are you planning on hooking up with this person again? What is the status of the relationship between your friend and the other person? I have always found that the best way to avoid conflict is to be transparent; be honest about how you feel and ask questions when you’re unsure. While there are many aspects of relationships that are out of your control, you can choose to create a space for you, your friends and your lovers where you are free to talk about anything.
Once you’ve thought through what you want from the relationship with the person you hooked up with, it should be easier to start a conversation with your friend. Regardless of whether or not it was a one-time thing or you plan to marry this person, you should tell your friend. If you’re not convinced, think about how your friend would feel if they had to find out from someone else. At that point it could seem like you’re trying to hide it, and we all know that is a difficult hole to dig yourself out of. Think about what you want, and talk to your friend!
I have a crush on my friend in my same organization. Is it worth risking our friendship and the structure of our org to tell them how I feel? -Org-y
There are a lot of things to be said about hooking up with or pursuing a romantic relationship with someone from your friend group or organization. It is important to KNOW THYSELF, or at least (since everyone believes they are the one human exempt from their own biases and tendencies) know the person you’re interested in. Not all people are able to handle the very possible uncomfortable outcomes of org-cest, and that is okay. Navigating a relationship with someone from the friend group and especially with someone from within an organization takes open communication and maturity. Before you decide whether or not to make those moves, decide whether or not you are willing to commit to the amount of communication it takes to preserve enough of a relationship to stay friends or work together. I would encourage you to talk to the other person about boundaries and whether or not they are willing to talk to you even if things don’t work out. Just saying you will be “friends no matter what” isn’t enough — actually talk through the possibilities. If you both think you’re ready, then by all means enjoy each other!
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