On Saturday, April 11th, all future Gauchos will be visiting our paradise of a school in hopes of getting a glimpse of what the next four years of their life will be like. Little do they know what the tour guides are conveniently leaving out.

1.) Wearing your UCSB gear the first Friday night in IV is not advisable. Unless you want to be the coolest, most spirited freshman on campus, then it’s very advisable.


2.) Becoming a professional smuggler is a reliable backup job thanks to the strict take-out rules at the dining commons. UCSB takes good care of their students. In case they can’t get hired in their field of study, just one quarter of stealing cookies from DLG can properly prepare you for a lifetime of illegal activities.


3.) You can’t beat sleep deprivation. Just admit defeat. Four hours a night is plenty. Unless of course, you pour some coffee in your Monster, then you’ll be set for the next week.


4.) If you are considering swimming in the ocean, be prepared to take off the tar that will get all over your feet, and possibly your unmentionables. There is nothing more freeing than stripping down and spraying your privates with canola oil.


5.) There is a good chance your professor will not respond to your numerous emails. And if he or she does, prepare yourself for carefully thought out one word responses, such as, “ok”. Also, your professor probably won’t teach you all the material you will be tested on and may decide to spend the lecture period showing you videos of Jerry Springer instead. Yes, this has happened. No, I will never be able to gain those valuable fifty minutes of my life back.


6.) Signing up for classes your first year is basically an online version of the Hunger Games. May pass times be ever in your favor. If they aren’t, prepare yourself to spend ten weeks learning about some old Scandinavian folklore.


7.) On any given weekend, you will see throw up somewhere in the communal bathrooms… or at least somewhere in the vicinity of the communal bathrooms. If you’re lucky enough to share a bathroom with your suite mates, then hope that they have good aim.


8.) The bookstore is a money sucking machine. Free and for Sale is your new best friend. What is Free and for Sale? It’s a magical world filled with people selling things you don’t need, things you probably do need, and things you end up buying but never use…and sometimes cute pets.


9.) The eighth floor of the library can get pretty frisky during dead week.


10.) Considering there are lots of attractive people, it can be easy to compare yourself to your fellow gods and goddeses. But don’t worry, a Santa Barbara 6 is easily considered a 9 in any other city.