Researchers believe that this weekend’s national flower sales will cause an ever-so-noticeable decline in our atmospheric oxygen, slowly killing our planet.
Local Santa Barbara researcher Naan Kodela said that the condition of our atmosphere will take a huge hit this weekend thanks to the thousands of boyfriends getting off work late on Saturday night.
“Thousands upon thousands of flowers are cut down during this time of the year in order to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It takes a tremendous toll on the environment and the atmosphere. If you thought global warming is an issue, you are in for a huge surprise,” Kodela said. “With our fragile atmosphere, we are bound to see major changes in animal populations, plagues and possible water contamination located around major streams and rivers.”
Park rangers are taking pre-cautionary measures to shut down access to forests and national parks this weekend. Local park ranger Mark Priestly said that he knew something was wrong he noticed a drastic change in animal procreation everywhere.
“My buddies and I were on our daily inspection route when we noticed bunnies everywhere humping each other like a group of damn bunnies. Oh shit, that’s where the phrase comes from,” Mark said.
His biggest worry pertains to the effect of the increase in carbon dioxide levels on the animals. “These smart fellas have a sense of when natural disasters are about to occur, so when they think that something is wrong, they start mating like crazy” Mark said. “The best advice I could give you is to stay indoors this weekend. Also buy a water purifier and for godsakes get your girlfriend a damn Edible Arrangement. I’m tired of seeing these rodents getting more action than me.”
Santa Barbara native, UCSB student and longtime boyfriend Dave Sheppard has opposite feelings toward this potential crisis. “Dude, this shit is bull. I never buy my girlfriend flowers and I’m the one that has to pay the consequences? Why take your bitch out when you can just buy her takeout, am I right?” Dave said.
Shortly after the interview with Dave, we were updated that he is now indeed single.
Boyfriends everywhere, besides Dave, are now struggling with the idea that they actually have to put effort into their Valentine’s Day gift ideas. Victoria’s Secret has recently seen an influx in confused, mid-20s-aged men roaming the pink-laden aisles of the popular undergarment store in search of something under twenty dollars that will still make their girlfriend’s A-cup breasts look reasonably decent. So far, they have had no luck.
The effects of this probable crisis remain a present-day stressor for both scientists and boyfriends everywhere. In order to protect our environment and our atmosphere, please kindly adhere to the park officials’ rules that have recently been posted. These rules are located at stopvday.com. If it is not possible to adhere to these rules, an alternative solution is to dump your significant other. That way, you are saving the planet, your money and your heart.
This is not news, and if it is supposed to be satire, it is not well written.